The Honeymoon Is Over

You Say The Darndest Things

2012-01-31T18:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

Sometimes you really do say the darndest things so sometimes I really have to write them down. Like the other night when we were discussing dying. Not in a morbid way of course but in the way that has become a somewhat long standing joke because both of us maintain that we will be the first to go. Neither of us want to be the partner that is left behind. But in the way of things, once we start discussing who will go first we then start considering the method in which we might go.

Ever considerate and loving husband that you are, you promised that you would do your utmost not to go whilst we were, shall we say, "in the bedroom". I said I'd be extremely grateful because I'm not a necropheliac to which your immediate response was "well I wouldn't expect you to keep going".

Thanks Honey.

Lovingly yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken on one of our trips to the zoo.

The Washing

2012-01-23T18:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

You know the argument that spouses often use with each other to get out of chores? The one where you say I didn't do it because you always say I do it wrong then go and do it yourself anyway? Well apart from the fact that I think this often displays a distinct lack of initiative to learn, I have come to realise that sometimes it is best that some tasks are left to either one spouse or the other. Like hanging out my clothes.

I am my mother's daughter. You knew that when you married me. So you also know that I am particular about some things. Like hanging out my washing. But I have reasons! Now I am prepared to admit that my current standards may well go to pot at the time that I have a whole lot less time up my sleeve but for now, indulge me.

I don’t have particular ways of hanging everything that goes through the washing but I do tend to be a little fussy about certain items. T-shirts for example.

T-shirts: I hang these inside out, front of the shirt folded over the line at the chest and pegged at both edges. Why?

1) I put them on the line inside out because we live in Australia and if t-shirts are continuously left on the line all day, the sun bleaches them.2) I put the front of the tshirt over the line because we live in Australia and if the t-shirts are placed the other way continually, you get a little sun bleached spot at the neck on the back of the shirt.

3) I fold the shirt at the chest to help keep the shape and stop stretching since this is a more even distribution of wet weight allowing for my next point which is:

4) I peg the t-shirts at the armpits so if the pegs do leave marks, you don't see them when the t-shirt is worn.

Now this morning when you pegged your t-shirt right side out, front side up and from the bottom with a peg at each edge whilst the t-shirt was actually folded on an angle you were clearly doing it “wrong”. I will not categorically say that you would have bleached a pale line on the front of your shirt. The sunbleaching is always worse at the part folding over the line which is exposed to the sun no matter where it is in the sky - unless the line is in shade but this usually takes time. I will say however that the next time you wore that shirt, there would probably be strange points where the fabric had stretched right near where the pegs were so it might look a little funny.

Now if you really don't care how your t-shirts look then that's fine but right now, I still care about mine. So please don't look at me like I've grown a second head when I try and explain why I do what I do to you. There is after all some method in my madness. Its not as if I'm asking you to match and colour code the pegs to certain items of clothes (sorry mum - I didn't inherit that one). Its also not as if I asked you to take over hanging out the washing on a permanent basis. I totally applaud you coming to help out on your own this morning and I thank you for making the effort. I'm just kind of fussy about my t-shirts.

Fussily Yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at Sculptures By The Sea '11

Communication Constipation

2012-01-15T19:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

Apparently I missed the memo where it said that yelling “it’s an inanimate object” in Bunnings is tantamount to announcing over the PA system “my husband is an idiot”. Which wasn’t what I meant. So I’m sorry that I offended you. I didn’t mean to be hurtful. I was confused and frustrated because yet again we were suffering from communication constipation. You know, where we are both trying to put stuff out there but nothing really comes through like its supposed to so it all backs up and compacts. Then, when we finally find release so things can move forward, we first have to deal with a steaming pile of crap.

I’m not quite sure when the last issue started. Perhaps it was when I said I wanted to move a small paperback bookshelf from the garage into the house so I could liberate some shelf space for all the home improvement books you keep on accumulating. Furniture placement seems to be a bit of a touchy subject with you at the best of times so I never know quite how you’re going to react. Maybe you just don’t like change within your comfort zone. Anyway, it seems to get a little worse when I actually put other requirements on you. Like buying a piece of wood.

I am apparently one of those finicky people that like bookshelves against a wall to be, strange as it may seem, against the wall (why do you find this odd?). Which is all well and good in most instances but occasionally, skirting boards throw a spanner in the works. Now for the spiffy Ikea bookshelves of which we have a number, skirting boards are not a problem. The bottom shelves never sit flush to the floor and there is a space cut out for such protrusions at the back of the bookshelves. Therefore, the back of the bookshelf actually sits against the wall. Great. I like this. When it comes to a little handmade shelf however which was originally created to fit under a bench, this is not so easy. I thought I had a great solution however.

My idea was to get a piece of wood the height of the skirting board and the length of the bookshelf. And just for aesthetics, I thought the depth of that piece of wood should be the difference between the depth of the bookshelf and the depth of the skirting board. I’m very technical, I know. Now I am quite capable of wielding a tape measure to get these measurements (you in fact made me do this anyway). I am also quite capable of going to the hardware store all by myself and buying a suitable piece of wood but I thought you might be offended if I didn’t involve you in this process so I asked for your thoughts on a solution to the whole bookshelf-against-the-wall issue.

Fast forward to Bunnings where not only did it take you 25 minutes to find the perfect piece of wood but you came back with little chocks of wood designed to stick up into the bookshelf. I had totally nixed the idea of you screwing the plank of wood into the bookshelf that my dad made but you were rather, shall we say, obsessed with it being anchored to the wood somehow. I spoiled your little party however when I pointed out that the base of the bookshelf was flat and in and of itself, the actual bottom shelf. Which you would have known if you had looked at it any of the dozen times you have picked it up to move it over the past year. You then started going on about buying metal brackets though so you could screw them to the piece of wood and then place the bookshelf between them so it wouldn’t budge because there are “a thousand ways for a bookshelf to shift”.

It was at this point that I started running through a couple of those options in my head; elephant herd, camel train, sled dogs….they could all shift a bookshelf. Or maybe you meant directionally like vertically (which would be pretty bloody unlikely unless the house blew up – at which point I wouldn’t really be worried about the bookshelf) or horizontally at which point there would seem to be about 180 degrees or ways to chose from (assuming it didn’t go through the wall). What I couldn’t figure out however was how a low bookcase, full of books weighing it down, placed against a wall, in a corner, in a seldom used room, with a flat piece of wood at its base was supposed to “shift” without undue and purposeful effort. Its an inanimate object. Which I told you. Rather loudly. In the middle of the lumber section at Bunnings. But perhaps I shouldn’t have because you were really offended.

So I’m just saying sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought it was a relatively straight forward process and I didn’t understand why you seemed to find it complicated. I didn’t understand why it was taking so long in Bunnings either but apparently it takes time to find a straight piece of wood. Perhaps remind me next time that I never want to suggest dropping by on the way home and that its better if you go by yourself. That way I don’t get to be an embarrassment either. Win win.

Impatiently yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at the reopening of Town Hall

Can You Do Me A Favour?

2012-01-08T19:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

Of late, I have noticed a somewhat disturbing tendency of yours – asking for favours. Now the asking of the favour itself is not a problem. I do not mind you asking me for favours and in general I find the principle perfectly reasonable. In addition, more often than not I will gladly provide the favour that you request however I must admit that recently, I happen to have found some of them a bit ridiculous.

I am talking of the favours such as asking me if I can get the meat for tea out of the fridge. On the surface this sounds perfectly reasonable. And indeed, if you were out of the house in the afternoon and the meat was still partially frozen in the fridge then this would be a perfectly logical request. If you couldn’t physically get the meat out of the fridge unaided then this would be a logical request too. If you had your hands covered with something and didn’t want to spread the mess, well that would also be a logical request. Whilst we are pulling into the driveway before dinner however, when you will be walking through our front door mere seconds after me and heading straight for the kitchen, I don’t get it.

You ask me this favour like its going to save heaps of time. Like its going make a material impact on what time dinner is served. You ask me this favour like this will actually help you rather than cause one extra person to be in our small kitchen, in the way and underfoot. You ask me this like it would really be something helpful rather than seemingly redundant when you still have to retrieve other items not previously specified from the fridge in order to prepare dinner. Like I said, I don’t get it. A favour should be something that you either need or really want because it might make a marked difference to your wellbeing. Which brings me to the other type of favours you ask.

Dear Husband, I have discovered your penchant for certain favours where you flat out can’t be bothered to do something yourself (or you take a perverse pleasure in making me dance attendance on you). Like asking me to do you a favour and turn off a light before we leave the house. A light whose switch is out of my way because I am near the door ready to leave. A light whose switch is on your way to the bedroom which is where you are going because you are still not ready. You can’t even reach out an arm and extend a finger for one second to push the switch down. No, you want me to go and do it for you. Just like the other night when I was sitting on the floor with the dog leaning on me and you were seated on the couch closer to the kitchen. You asked if I could do you a favour and go and turn on the oven. What did your last slave die of Sparky? What do I look like, your maid?

Now as I said. I don’t mind you asking for favours and I will frequently do what it is that you have asked (I think I did in fact turn the light off and the oven on) but c’mon, do you think that maybe you could think about what you’re asking me first? And if you don’t think you could ask your mother the same thing without her telling you to get stuffed, don’t ask me either.

Generally yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken on one our trips to the National Zoo

Month Twenty-Nine

2012-01-01T17:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Another day, another year…I’m not quite sure where all of the last one went though. I know we did some pretty big things like buy a house and get a dog but still, the rest of the year is a long time. But things always tend to go faster I guess when you are busy and December was no exception. Although to sum it up, it was mostly about the puppy and the rain. Not so much about the puppy himself in the rain because we avoided that most of the time but well, this month, the weather was pretty crap. It was wet a lot. Again. I bought gum boots! And a raincoat as your Christmas gift to me. It was that wet. In addition to which, we made plenty of trips to the vet.

The first was of course right at the beginning of the month. After our delightful roofers let him out accidentally and he went to find you – across a flipping major road! And then when you weren’t there, he came back again – across the same flipping major road! As you will recall this was a large drama at the time since for a while at least, nobody actually knew where the puppy was at all. Neighbourette and the roofer were out searching, you were waiting tensely on the other end of a phone on your way back from whoop whoop and I was blissfully (if somewhat unfortunately) unaware. Bloody smart phone.

What I did want to mention here though Dear Husband was that I’m really not sure why you told the neighbour you were relieved that I wasn’t aware at the time and glad that it was just you that knew. You, who of the two of us is usually (and I do acknowledge its just usually) the emotionally high strung and obsessive one. You who swings from highs to lows like Tarzan through the trees. You who frequently finds company with paranoia and pessimism like they are your personal bad idea bears. You who, ahem, shed a tear or two when we brought the puppy home and he whined because we made him sleep in the kitchen all by himself whilst I was busy whacking the wall with a rolled up newspaper to make him shut up. What exactly gave you the impression that I would fall apart, be completely distraught or panic at such knowledge and of the two of us, why was it better that only you knew at the time? Apparently Neighbourette had the exact same questions but she managed to keep them to herself whilst you were busy telling her I would have totally dropped my bundle and then she confided in me later.

So we took the puppy to the vet when he injured himself on his little escapade and then again when we went to get him some cosmetic surgery and contraception. Which is to say the eye lift that he needed so he wouldn’t get infections and such later in life and (since the poor boy’s testicles hadn’t descended and didn’t seem to want to either), the “fixing” he needed to avoid possibly getting cancer from not getting fixed. I figured that he might dislike us less if they operated on both ends at once and he didn’t have to go back too many times for surgery. This was true up to a point but since we went back every week after that for a check-up and they sedated him again to remove the stitches (gees he looks funny when he comes out – all crossed legs and drunken meandering), the vet is now not on his list of safe places. Despite his bad luck healthwise however, he was pretty spoiled rotten the rest of the time.

I bring this up in my letter to you because I have been considering how much time we spent with the puppy this month. In particular, I have been considering what time we have spent with the puppy. Since the poor boy was expected to wear a cone around his head leading up to Christmas, we tag- teamed taking time off work to be with (Stevie – because of the way he’d sway his head to get the cone out of the way) Wonder Boy. We then took him away with us for Christmas and ended up tag- teaming the early mornings because someone needed to get up with him to ensure that he wasn’t wreaking havoc. Now a couple of people have stated that this is great training for if we start a family but that got me to thinking…I’m pretty sure that if we started a family I would bear the brunt of the early mornings for a considerable while so perhaps it is only fair that you get up all the time for the dog now. What do you think? Apart from the fact that when you’re exhausted you could sleep through a freight train breaking through the middle of the house so you’d never hear him, I think it’s a great idea.

And by the by, I think we also reached a new low to where we will stoop to due to the puppy:

Pathetic (pə-ˈthe-tik): When two grown adults leave a perfectly good sofa bed to sleep either side of a dog on the floor (one of them getting some dog bed space, one of them getting the carpet).

Obviously we didn’t spend the whole night on the floor. That would really have been scraping the bottom of the barrel. We just spent the morning from about 6:30 onwards. And we didn’t do it because of our abiding love for the puppy either. Hell no. We did it because we were so damned tired we were prepared to do just about anything for another 20 minutes of blissful sleep (and for my part – since I was the first sucker to move to the floor – because I couldn’t be bothered getting up after you had come down). Still, it was kinda sad…I was the one that got pushed onto the carpet!

The rest of the month was filled with the normal sorts of things that happen in December. Arguments about what to get people for Christmas and how much to spend on said Christmas presents, Christmas parties and Christmas get-togethers. Chocolate, mince pies, shortbread, more chocolate, prawns, smoked ham, chips and more chocolate. Notable in this festive period however were the Christmas parties I/we attended, each for their own special reason.

My Work Christmas Party - for the complete lack of effective planning on my part or perhaps that was failure to get people excited in any way regarding the occasion. In the end, the scavenger hunt half of the event was scrapped and the dinner half was attended by only three of the six staff members we have in our office. Sure there were a few extenuating circumstances, but still…

Your Work Christmas Party – for the comment made by one of your Australasian managers. I’m sorry, I know you were slightly offended but I found it really funny that upon your introducing me as your wife his immediate response was “wow, you’re punching above your weight aren’t you?”. This almost made up for the fact that we waited nearly an hour on the street for a cab in which you left your mobile phone! Thank God we got it back the same night.

Your Nanna’s Christmas Lunch – for the fact that it was cut short very abruptly with the advent of pouring rain. At least we had finished eating.

My Family’s Christmas Lunch – for the fact that my recently-moved-out-of-home sister and boyfriend hosted it and had two sides of family present. It was all very polite (and I nearly ruined the custard) but lunch was great.

And then it was New Years Eve. A day which almost snuck up on me but for once, neither of us were that interested. Over the last couple of years we have made sure to be somewhere that I could take photos of fireworks but this year, despite it being the last full month my work would own an office with a Darling Harbour View that we could utilise, we stayed at home. And went to bed. I woke up at midnight when all the fireworks were going off in the nearby oval and rolled over to mumble Happy New Year to you but that was about the extent of our festivities. There was no hour long commute to get home. No hangover in the morning. No waiting around for the appointed hour to strike. Bliss.

Lovingly yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken of you and the puppy jumping which I am pretty sure he shouldn't be doing because it might hurt his joints...

Scatterbrain?

2011-12-24T21:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

Why is it that you assume that I might make a decision based on what would arguably be called sound judgement but then change my mind at the last minute? Do you think me that fickle? Or changeable? Do you think that I often don’t fully think things through? Being a somewhat typical Libran, I think there are some people who believe that I think things through too much…

I ask you this question because this morning , right before your last day of work for the year, you decided to buy a padlock for our garden gate. Your security warning beacon has risen again. Now I was actually half asleep at the time but even so, my brain could still immediately lock into the fact that without proper attention on my part, my husband might be about to make my life difficult. I therefore considered and asked you to get a combination lock.

I made my preference for a combination lock known because, Dear Husband, you misplace things. I don’t mean to offend. This is merely a statement of fact. Due to this propensity however, small keys are somewhat dangerous. I have also found myself locked out of a previous garage before because you had the only key with you at work and I don’t fancy being in that situation again either. I think it is important that I am always able to unlock the gate in case of emergency. There is also the distinct possibility that we may need the neighbours to do this for us at some time in the future so a combination seemed a good idea. Easy.

So you head out to shop for a padlock (those 24 hour Kmarts are good for something) and half an hour later you sms me.

You: Locks are 6 keyed and 12 combination

Me: Well 6 can be a birthday

(I think I was still a little asleep but I figured you couldn’t possibly be talking about buying a keyed lock when I had asked for a combination one so your sms must reference the number for the lock)

You: No no, $6 and $12-15…Not combo lengths

Me: So not clear from your sms. So are you asking me anything or just saying?

(I get a little testy when you ramble and don’t get to the point – sorry)

You: Asking if you still want a combination

Me: Sure. I specifically mentioned before you left that I wanted a combination. Do I assume you think there’s only room for 1 brain in the house & its yours if home?

Me (again): Funnily enough…still want a combination…

(I get very testy when I think you’re wasting my time with silly questions – not quite as sorry)

You: Fair enough. See you soon.

So yeah, a bit curious as to why you didn’t think I was serious in wanting the combination lock the first time around but we got there in the end. Now we have to hope that we all remember the combination.

Always yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at Sculptures By The Sea

One Plus Two Equals Lots

2011-12-22T21:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

You may think that even though I did maths at college, I must not be very good. Either that or you think you’re protected by a bubble and I don’t talk to the neighbours. Either way, I sadly have to inform you that you are wrong and you are so busted.

As background to my story, I’ll take you back to last week when you told me that you wanted to get someone in to do the garden so it would look cared for whilst we were away over Christmas. Actually no, I now wish to digress a moment to mention the following:

· You wanted the yard to look tended so people wouldn’t think that we were away but had lovely stuff to knock off. This was under the guise of being security conscious yet recently, at about 10:30pm each night when we go to bed, you have been unlocking and relocking the car from the bedroom. Just to make sure its secure. Now I don’t care much about the burned CD’s and the crappy GPS you are locking in and we have insurance on the car so if it makes you feel better, go for it, but personally I think that the car beeping unlocked and locked at the same time each night kind of announces to the neighbourhood that we think we have stuff for the stealing…but perhaps that’s just me?

Back to my previous story however, you asked if you could spend $50 that we hadn’t budgeted for over Christmas so you could not do the physical labour on your day off. At least that was the impression I got. Mowing the yard was a big job and you didn’t want to have to do it before we went away. I’d say what would you think if I decided to start taking all our clothes to a laundry service or hiring a housekeeper for the next few months to do the dishes but I’m almost afraid that you’d try to find a way to make it work rather than be horrified by the laziness of it.

Anyway, I caved and said that you could hire the gardener if you first got rid of the garden waste that was already in the yard because that was easier than dealing with you sulking. You told me that you would ask my aunt and uncle if you could borrow the 4wd and the trailer (which I refused to do on account of the last time you had me ask, you changed your mind at the last minute and I inconvenienced them for nothing). But then what happened next? The $50 we didn’t have blew out to $100 that we didn’t have either when you got the garden people to quote on removing the waste and taking it to the tip as well as mowing and edging the lawn. I shouldn’t have been surprised really, but fool that I am, I was.

You assured me though that this solution was actually cheaper than you doing the work yourself what with petrol and tip fees etc. You promised me that you’d take the dog for a long walk with all the time you’d save not driving around everywhere and it was easier not to be the bad guy so I said sure. And when I got home, the yard did look good. The waste was gone and it was all neat and tidy. The dog had been on a walk and you even had a gift for me – you had cleaned up the garage in my absence. Something I have been bugging you to do for ages! I thought this was awesome. You were kind of in a crappy mood when you picked me up however which was a bit disappointing. It was not until the next day that I got the rest of the story…

You had to go next door in order to borrow the trolley to assist in cleaning the garage. When you asked to borrow said trolley however, you also had to mention why you wanted it. As I’m kind of bad at remembering exact dialogue (and this conversation came to me second hand as it was), it amuses me to remember it as follows:

You: Would I be able to borrow the trolley for a couple of hours?

Neighbourette: Sure, why do you need it?

You: I’m going to clean up our garage so we can actually find stuff in there.

N’ette: (surprised laughter) Oh my god, your wife will be thrilled! She has been wanting your garage to be sorted out for ages.

You: (a little awkwardly) Yeah, well it was about time I got around to it…I figured it was my share.

N’ette: (more surprise) Your share? Out of all of the household chores that you and your wife perform regularly, you think “cleaning the garage” is your share??

You: (grudgingly and somewhat under your breath) Well I didn’t say it was a 50/50 share…

Sorry, that cracked me up. The idea that you felt a little on the back foot from what the neighbour said amused me. As did the confession that the housework is perhaps not split between us 50/50. I’m sure that little interlude did not put you in a good mood. It only amused me further however to hear that you went back later in the day and tried to tell a stay at home mother of two that you were tired cause you hadn’t sat down all day…Amused that is until I started adding things up.

You dropped me at the station around 7am and you picked me up around 6:30pm. The gardeners arrived at around 3pm and you went to ask Neighbourette and the kids if they’d like to accompany you on your walk with the puppy at around 5:40pm. This was 20 minutes before you should have known full well that they’d be eating dinner therefore making it quite impractical that they’d join you. You apparently proceeded to sit on their floor for 25 minutes or so to have a chat before going on your walk. You admitted to me that cleaning the garage took you a “couple of hours” so let say 3 to be generous and as far as I can make out, that is what you did that that day.

So all together, I was away for 11 ½ hours during which you spent 3 hours cleaning, no more than 2 ½ hours supervising/assisting the gardeners (you said you helped load up the waste), at least a half an hour and probably a whole one talking to Neighbourette and about 15 minutes (which didn’t impress me) walking the dog (you also needed to spend time in transit to pick me up before 6:30pm). The wife – 11 ½ hours away, the husband – less than 7 hours accounted for yet you hadn’t had any down time all day? What were you doing for the other 4 ½ hours? It doesn’t take you that long to feed either yourself or the dog!

Curiously yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at Sculptures By The Sea

Good Night

2011-12-13T18:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

I cannot believe that you made me get out of bed last night to put the puppy to sleep. Ok, ok, calm down. Let me now set the record straight that I know full well that you didn't make me. You didn't grab me by the hair and haul me out of our bedroom or try and tip the mattress up sufficiently that I would roll on to the floor but you did that passive aggressive crap saying that if I was asleep or I really didn't want to then I didn't have to but you'd appreciate it if I made the effort. So basically, you made me.

And now I am on the other side of a horrendous night where I couldn't get comfortable and didn't sleep for hours and I'm thinking what the hell? I went to bed early last night because I was sick. Not sick and tired (of things in general or something in particular), just sick. I'd been sniffing and sneezing the whole day and my body was tired so I went to lie down in the peace and quiet, away from the blaring television. Then you come in and make out like I've been unfair and left you the short end of the stick.

You seemed upset that I might be leaving you the job of putting the puppy down on your own. Something that I have done plenty of times on my own. This was of course at the same time as you seemed to be laying on a separate guilt trip to make me feel bad should I chose not to be there to say goodnight to him as a member of our family. Seriously! You made it quite clear you weren't happy. I don't think I've heard such derision aimed at me since I was in London with an English friend and I said I didn't want to wait in a line to see the crown jewels. She was most offended!

I was offended last night too. You're no picnic when you get really ill. You just shut down and I make allowances. I try to ignore when you get snippy with me. I don't harp on about you doing nothing in the house all day if you are home sick. I have also let you go to bed early before whilst I stay up with the dog so we can keep him in a routine that hopefully keeps him from chewing more of our kitchen tiles. But you? Could you do the same for me and let me rest? No. I had to get out of bed so I could pat the puppy and say goodnight. For you. Let me just say Not Happy Jan.

Disgruntled but yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at antique store on our last trip to Beechworth

Share and Share Apart

2011-12-11T18:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

I’m not sure whether I told you this but a friend of mine once went over to a couple’s house one night for dinner and when they served up, they put 2 plates on the table. One for their guest and one for them to share. Which funnily enough made my friend feel like the proverbial third wheel. Now I personally think this is kind of rude. Sure, if you only have two of everything (by design or because you are moving) then that is fair enough but for the sake of less washing up or because you think its more “intimate” to eat off the same plate, I hardly think its worth making your guests feel uncomfortable.

The reason I bring this up though is because I have noticed of late that when you are preparing food other than our main meal, you have a tendency to present one serve for us to share. We go for popcorn along with a dvd – one bowl. We have some chips as a starter – one plate. We have the rest of the salad you prepared for the bbq lunch – you bring out the salad bowl. I’m pretty sure that this is because you are lazy and not because you find sharing food this way more intimate. I’m also pretty sure that you are not overly concerned with the amount of washing up because you hardly ever do any of it. I must say though that I’m kind of over it. I am now at the point where upon seeing one serving set out to share I feel the need to say can I please have my own damned plate.

Ok, so I am selfish. But then again, so are you. Neither of us is particularly brilliant at passing food back and forth constantly and I am certainly not keen on leaning over your lap all the time just to get my share. I also eat faster than you. I don’t guzzle down my food as quick as I possibly can but I certainly don’t savour every mouthful either. I enjoy my food (as anyone who has ever lived with me will attest) and I prefer not to have to think about calculating my share if we are not hoeing in at the same rate. So I just thought I’d let you know that you are doing yourself no favours with this sharing bit. I find the habits of that other couple more kitsch than convenient and you can often make me happy by feeding me.

Hungrily (in the food way!) yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken on one of our trips to Beechworth

Good Day

2011-12-08T22:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

Thank you for your lesson last night. Apparently I had things all wrong. Of course, I wasn’t exactly the only one. That was why I called your mind back to the previous morning. Which would now, as it is the next day, be two mornings ago wouldn’t it? Anyway, I asked you last night to recall the morning when I noticed that the ironing board was still in the living room right in front of the hallway door. A circumstance that was neither logistically nor aesthetically pleasing to me personally. I asked you to recall this morning because this was when I ever so subtly remarked that I hoped the ironing board (thus positioned) would not become a permanent fixture in our home.

Now as any married man knows, there are remarks and there are remarks. So you were aware at the time, that I remarked this in such a way as to make it perfectly obvious this was in fact a question as well as a remark. I also delivered it in such a fashion as to make it perfectly clear that in addition to actually being a question, it was a request for action. So naturally you understood that the only appropriate response was no, it won’t be permanent and I (meaning you) will move it tomorrow. But as I have now learnt, our bedroom door is an “event boundary” and once you walk out of it you are much more likely to forget anything you agreed to whilst on the inside so it didn’t really come as any great shock when by the end of “tomorrow”, nothing had moved.

So last night I asked you to recall this conversation and your response because hey, I still wanted the ironing board gone. I asked if maybe it might be possible for you to get back on that task because after all, I wanted the ironing board gone. I also mentioned that this was probably not a conversation you wanted to have with me again and the best way to avoid that was to take some affirmative action which would incidentally solve my problem as well – me wanting the ironing board gone. I went through all this to be told by you to stop talking about it because I was ruining your day. I then communicated my erroneous assumption that as far as you were concerned, any day with sex in it was a good day only to be told “no, get it right”. Apparently it is any sex in a day is good. The day might be completely crap but sex is always good. I stand corrected.

Educatedly (yes I make up my own words) Yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at this year's Sculptures By The Sea

Put A Lid On It

2011-12-01T19:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

Yesterday I was not very impressed with you. You want to know why? Not really? Well I’m going to tell you anyway.

Firstly:

You ring me up in the afternoon to tell me that “Hey, the roof guy is coming tomorrow so can you go over and speak to the neighbours tonight about the logistics of dog-sitting and get the husband to help you move the tiles which you’ll need to go and grab from next door”. So on my last night of freedom before you return from your conference, I have to run your errands because you couldn’t be bothered when you were at home and I am expected to rope in Neighbourette’s husband as well.

Secondly:

When I got to the neighbours’ two doors up I realised that the slightly disgruntled end to your call (which you wanted to blame on me supposing that I had vented to Neighbourette and she was now being a bit frosty to you out of principle) was in fact your fault. After asking Neighbourette to do us a favour and having her say “yes, even though I have two small children and a small dog and a small backyard, I will take in your whoppingly huge Great Dane puppy for the day” and “you can let your roofer know”, you replied with “oh, I already did”. Now I believe that what you meant was “I already let the roofer know I was happy to go ahead but I would call him back only if there was an issue” (which there now wasn’t), however that is not the way it came across.

Thirdly:

Our actual next door neighbours were not home. And although you have met them and talked to the father-in-law who said you could go for your life and take their spare roof tiles any time, I don’t know them from a bar of soap. I felt somewhat awkward about entering their back gate after obviously knocking on the front door and finding them not at home. I felt really awkward however about taking stuff out of their back garden and traipsing it across to our yard without their knowledge. It would be really inconvenient if someone called the cops because they thought I was robbing the place. I’d have to say this guy I don’t know totally said I could.

Fourthly and Fifthly:

You didn’t make it clear where the tiles were (we will also return to this point later). You didn’t really indicate how many I was supposed to bring back. Now these ones are together because they were kind of linked to each other.

Once I got past the fact that I’d have to go and take the tiles unannounced, I walked into the back yard to see a CRAP LOAD of tiles by the house and by the fence. I couldn’t see any other tiles in the yard so assumed they must be the ones (even though I had a nagging suspicion that they were not the same as ours). That was my first thought. My next thought was there are over a hundred of these suckers and you wanted me to “bring the tiles back to our place”?. Not 10 tiles. Not 20 tiles. The tiles. So I called you to check. I told you what I could see and where they were and how many there were and you were like “just bring what you can back to our place, we probably won’t need all of them”. Way to go with clear instructions there number boy.

Sixthly:

Those tiles are flipping heavy. Which I realised after I got off the phone and picked up a couple of them (concerned that I was going to come face to face with a redback or a funnelweb or something).I also realised that it would be absolutely ridiculous running a huge number of trips between the two properties because I couldn’t physically carry that many at a time. So I went to Neighbourette’s house (again) and asked to borrow a wheelbarrow. I then came back with said wheelbarrow and started to load tiles. I got to about 13 before trying to lift everything only to find that I wasn’t all that confident I could control it. I then took some of the tiles out (this process was now stretching out even longer in my head) before slowly wheeling the first load to our yard.

Once I was in our yard however (before I got around to unloading) I tried to get a decent vantage point of our roof. One that was close enough for me to clearly see the tiles (which is not as easy as it sounds) because I still had a funny feeling that the tiles I had in the wheelbarrow were not the same tiles. Which they weren’t. What followed was a call to you to say they’re really not the same tiles at which point you told me to call the roofer. So I called the roofer and said I have these tiles and this is what they look like and where they were and he said they are not the same tiles so I called you back and relayed the message that we can’t use them because they are not the same tiles and we’d have to work out something else.

So now I was feeling like a cranky idiot on our front lawn in the fading light with a wheelbarrow full of tiles which I hadn’t asked for and didn’t need, a grumbling stomach that was hungry for dinner and a puppy who was howling down the neighbourhood because he could hear me but couldn’t get to me from behind the gate. I still had to wheel all the tiles back next door however, unload them to where they came from and head over to Neighbourette’s house (for the third time) to return the wheelbarrow I had borrowed.

Lastly:

The above were all reasons that I was not impressed with you yesterday but it was not clear until today however just how much could have been avoided if I had received some clearer instructions as to where the damn tiles were in the first place. So I am adding the fact that you could have saved me time, money, effort and heartache.

This morning I learned that around the side of the house that borders ours (ie not in the back yard, or by the back door or by the main gate where I told you I was looking) there were two neat little stacks of roof tiles that are exactly like ours. These tiles are smaller, lighter and fewer in number than the other large piles of tiles on the property.

Dear Husband, you owe me.

Faithfully yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken during my trip to the zoo at the beginning of the year

Month Twenty-Eight

2011-11-30T19:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

I just thought I’d say that I’m kind of liking what the puppy is doing for my photography recently. Or rather, what he is doing for you for my photography. Because despite the fact that the puppy is an absolutely abysmal model who won’t stand still or look at me for more than two seconds straight unless I’m offering food, he is a very good distraction for you when I go off into image land. This year at Sculptures By The Sea you finally had a friend who stuck by your side the whole time and didn’t wander off seeming vague or distracted. This time you actually had various people approaching you because they wanted to know your dog. Which in a way does not sound very flattering I guess. However, Dear Husband, just so as you know, I know very well that you in fact like showing off your dog. So it seemed that everyone was happy. The puppy may have been a little overwhelmed as well but he didn’t appear to actually be disturbed by the number of people who thought he was awesome. Which he is. In addition to being a sook.

Towards the end of this month, you went away with work for a couple of days. I don’t think the puppy was impressed. The car rides to the station stopped, the wrestle time with you stopped and the days alone got longer. He was fine of course but he was clearly that much more excited to have me home and play by the third day that I knew he’d been missing his usual playmate. A feeling that I believe was reciprocated on the other end. It was quite clear early on that this trip which would require three whole nights away from your bed, your wife and your dog was not your idea of a good time. I think you were kind of happy that the company wanted to invest in you this way however you were bemoaning the downside long before you actually went away and I think you were wallowing in it whilst you were gone as well. I on the other hand was really excited. I was absolutely thrilled to have the time to myself in the house. I love you dearly and I enjoy spending time with you but sometimes, I just crave the girl time. Sorry.

As for the rest of the month, well…as you know, it was wet. Not for the whole month naturally. There actually were a small number of lovely days in there and some that were just plain hot and humid but there was also that 10 days or so of rain that were really not much fun at all. You were miserable because the days were grey and the people less friendly, the puppy was frustrated because he had too much nervous energy banked up and not enough dry space to play in and I wasn’t that happy either because in that sort of weather I love to curl up to a dvd or with a book (something you never seem to want to do when its foul out as you have too much nervous energy as well and being still for over an hour is somehow akin to Chinese water torture). So the monotonous rain wasn’t good. Especially as it seemed to be making the leak in the roof worse.

It wasn’t too long ago now that I noticed the discolouration in the ceiling which was evidence of water damage in our roof cavity. I am very grateful that water wasn’t dripping onto the floor or running down the walls or anything like that but there was an obvious issue. Which apparently was a slightly botched DIY job according to the roofer. You arranged to have someone come out to the house and he told us that there was a nail where it shouldn’t have been which was an easy fix and that this was what had been causing our main problem. Of course he also told us that he would be happy to relieve us of over a grand to fix up a few other things on our roof that could become problems in the future but you take the good with the bad I guess. At least it shouldn’t cost us more than that.

For the remainder of the month, everything was fairly quiet. Well, apart from dog sitting the neighbours’ furry friend. The initial idea of course was to have the two dogs in the yard all day and in the laundry and kitchen at night. Which may have worked if the second baby gate hadn’t turned out to be broken. A fact that we didn’t find out till we (meaning you – yes, I am aware that you ended up with the hard work in this instance) swapped the kitchen one to the laundry and tried to put the new one up in the kitchen walkway. There was no way we could keep the dogs together at night however (and expect to get any sleep whatsoever) so we put our baby gate back in our kitchen walkway and dropped Molly back to her own kitchen when we were heading to bed. We also let her stay in her own yard during the day because not only is she a much littler dog than ours, she is also a digger and there are a few spots on our fence line that an industrious mutt could overcome I am sure in a couple of hours. And we both preferred not to be responsible for losing someone else’s dog. Do not think it escaped my attention however Dear Husband that whilst I took Molly walking each day, you didn’t do the same for Reuben.

Other than that this month we had an 80^th and Tailor Man’s Christmas party at which I was definitely not as drink as you thunk I was! Or at least that was what I was telling you that night. There was some disagreement the following day about the level of my intoxication. I swear I could still string a coherent sentence and move in a straight line under my own steam by the end of the party but apparently you had a different opinion. That didn’t change the fact however that despite drinking less that I did, you still came out slightly worse off with a hangover that lasted most of the day. I was ok by mid morning. Not that I’m rubbing it in or anything. The 80^th was of course a little more sedate. It was a lunch for your Grandmother on your dad’s side which a very large proportion of that side of the family attended. Not much alcohol was consumed at the event and I met a number of new people who were all lovely. We even had your aunt, uncle and cousin back to ours for dinner as well.

And now we’re heading into December. Work Christmas parties, family Christmases, gift shopping and all those other wonderful things that may or may not be better with hindsight. I think I’m referring to the gift shopping here because that’s usually fraught with potential pitfalls for us but I’m sure we’ll manage. So here’s to the last month in another eventful year.

Festively yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at either New Years or Skyfire - can't remember which at the moment

Home Renovations

2011-11-28T19:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

Just to continue with the bathroom theme of showers and organisation etc., it wasn’t that long ago that we were discussing potential renovations for the littlest room in the house. Which is in fact probably not the littlest room in our house because I believe that the laundry has that distinction but you get my meaning. That place where you find a lot of plumbing and we make calls of nature and clean ourselves. Now, as is your way, you like to make elaborate plans with all the money that we don’t have (the split level garage, the louvered pergola, the concrete wine cellar) so you started to redesign our bathroom. You didn’t go overboard and start factoring in marble vanities and claw footed tubs or anything like that but you did get quite absorbed in the process. You also got quite pissed with me when I didn’t like what you had designed.

This may come as a surprise to you Dear Husband but I do actually want to have a say on how our house looks and on what we spend our money. The functionality is also important to me because I use that room just as much as you do. Therefore, when you don’t consult me at all and come up with solutions that do not address my problems (and even create some for me), you really shouldn’t be surprised that I am not singing your praises and extolling your virtues when you present me with your ideas. And its not as if when you did convey your ideas I told you that they were so overwhelmingly horrendous as to be likened to a second Titanic or the next Hindenburg. No, I just said:

· I’d like to keep the bath. We plan on having a family eventually but even if we can’t, I still see the potential for children in the house that need a bath. Sure, babies might fit in the kitchen sink before they perhaps graduate to the laundry tub but after that, the shower is it (unless you want to hose them down outside) and I can tell you that I am not going to jump in the shower to wash a kid every time they need to be scrubbed down. Plus, baths are really good for soaking things like king bed comforters that don’t really fit in the washing machine.

· I don’t think you should open a shower door onto a shower head. I just think this makes common sense. You run the risk of cracking or scratching the door if the head is in the way or getting the outside of the door wet (if the head is higher) when you nip out of a running shower to get that extra towel or bottle of shampoo that you forgot. If the shower is over the bath, why not put the door at the other end to the running water? Although I happen to think that this becomes a slightly moot point because…

· It might make more sense to have multiple sliding doors to create a wider opening. And now I’m back to the kids thing again and perhaps the dog too. If you are going to be lifting shorter things than you in and out of the bath, wouldn’t you want to make it as convenient as possible? I can tell you now that getting a skittish 80kg Great Dane into the bath through an opening less than a metre wide is so not my idea of fun.

· I like natural light. We have a window in the bathroom. It is small but its there. We also get natural light through it at the moment which is actually quite helpful. Especially when applying makeup. This is more my issue than yours, sure, but the overhead light casts shadows and hues over the skin and that is not an optimal solution. Therefore I would seek to maximise the use of natural light in the room rather than sticking a whopping great opaque wall in front of it.

· I HATE BI-FOLD DOORS. Ok, so I didn’t need to write that all in caps and I don’t hate bi-fold doors but seriously, bi-fold doors to the bathroom? Bi-fold doors can be shower doors or room dividers or even those café doors that open out onto patios but for bedrooms and bathrooms, they would never be my first choice. Which you know. Or at least you should have. Despite having had the conversation previously however, you seemed shocked (again) that I could possibly have an issue with this – which just goes to show that despite what you say, you do not always listen to me when I’m talking to you (or do not care to make the effort to remember). Or perhaps its in one ear and out the other when I am disagreeing with you?

So I had a few issues with your suggested bathroom designs. I thought I was very nice about it at the time, not raising my voice or attacking you etc. I tried to gently offer some constructive criticism and suggest that maybe you hadn’t taken quite enough factors into your design as might be necessary for a long term solution. Apparently though I was still doing my rousing impersonation of Captain Killjoy and crapping all over your creative genius which just made you pissed. You did kind of say sorry to me later so I think you figured out that I wasn’t trying to ruin your life after all but still, I promise it won’t kill you to ask “Hey, I’m think about redesigning this – is there anything you’d like me to take into consideration?”.

Consideringly yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken of a rose in our front garden - spring brings all sorts of surprises.

Bathroom Musings

2011-11-22T21:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

It would occasionally be nice to think that you and I were like Eric and Annie Camden and we were living in 7^th Heaven. You know, all love and forgiveness and understanding and those other fluffy things. Not that we don’t actually have those things now of course. And by likening them to fluffy I am not trying to say that I don’t think they are important because they are. Its just that when I think of you and I and where we are at right now, I think we are a little rougher around the edges. I think we’re a little more Dan and Roseanne of the no last name required.

I was thinking this thought this morning as I stared at the tub of hair gel that was sitting on the edge of the vanity in the bathroom. The tub that I have been waiting over a couple of weeks for you (at sometime) to put a lid on when you’re not using it. The tub I can foresee falling off and oozing all over the tile floor if the puppy got a bit boisterous when you were trying to get him into the shower. The tub that may well be at wagging tail height if the great dane were no longer a pup but a dog. The same tub that could easily succumb to gravity if you knocked it off the edge whilst shuffling past half asleep at some obscene hour of the morning to pee. The tub that I can see potentially speckled with the dying bugs that have snuck into bathroom and gotten caught. The bugs who continually find their way through the flyscreen on the window that has remained slightly open ever since we bought the house because I’m pretty sure it was painted that way. Or perhaps I should say the tub that slowly absorbs bits of spittle and toothpaste as we clean our teeth every day (the vanity is really not that large) or splashes of water as we wash our hands and faces in the sink (did I mention that the vanity wasn’t very large?). Anyway, lets just say that I can envisage a whole host of things that would I assume not be desirable to one who actually uses the product.

And I thought this, that we were a lot more like Dan and Roseanne, when I looked at your open tub of hair gel because I was reminded of an old episode. When I looked at that tub that I had no intention of closing myself in order to potentially avoid any of the aforementioned undesirable occurrences, I was reminded of the time when DJ was pointing at Darlene. Being a typical younger brother, DJ was trying to get a rise out of Darlene at the kitchen table by continuing to hold his index finger pointed at her about an inch from her body. She of course tired of the situation quite quickly and turned around and thumped him one. It was at this point that DJ let out the wail of the maligned younger child and went crying to Dan complaining that “she hit me and I didn’t even touch her!”. Dan of course had been sitting at the kitchen table the whole time reading a newspaper but knew exactly what was going on and replied back without missing a beat “well it was hardly worth it then was it?”.

That’s kind of what I was thinking if something ever happened to your hair gel.

Lovingly yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at Sculptures By The Sea 2011

Just the Same Only Different

2011-11-20T21:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

You know how you have those light bulb moments when you go “Oh, so this is how the other person feels when I’m busy getting mad at them for being inconvenient”? Yes? No? Only I do that? Well anyway, I had one of those the other day. Actually, it was probably a series of moments but they were all related to going to the gym and they all happened to follow after we left to go to this place of torture.

Finally, on the weekend, we managed to get ourselves together and head back to a gym. Or rather, you finally got tired of me asking you to do something about the coupons for membership that you bought because I couldn’t do anything without them. Anyway, there was a general consensus (possibly arrived at by each of us in varying timeframes, yours was later than mine of course) to push some strength back into our slack frames, or in my case, shake some of the laziness out. Zumba is quite good for that. So we got up in the morning, made sure to walk the dog first, got our workout gear together and headed off.

Now I assumed (and there was my first asinine move because we all know what they say about the word assume – makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’ that’s for sure) that this would be straightforward. That is, we’d drive to the gym, fill out whatever paperwork was necessary, I’d do a class, you’d do…whatever boys do at the gym and we’d drive home. The extension of this was of course that I would then be able to jump in the shower immediately and wash my hair which was currently not going to win me any beauty awards. Or any cleanliness awards for that matter either. I knew that would mean that I’d have to sit in the car being slightly skanky and sweaty but I was:

a) not going to wash my hair at the gym because it takes too long,

b) not going to have a shower at the gym if I was only going to have jump in one again when I got home,

c) not that worried about offending you with my malodorous form because quite frankly, you’ve gotten into the car smelling worse before and so has the dog, and

d) not intending on being there that long anyway.

So, given my assumption, it is perhaps pertinent to also mention here that I did not take a towel to the gym because I felt I would have no need of one. Which is basically why I was not impressed in the slightest to learn that you assumed we would not be going home directly after the gym. You were planning on going straight to the meat market to buy some food supplies for the rest of the week after which you were planning to attend a meeting with someone who was selling their business. Both activities which, I will admit, did have time constraints but which meant that I’d be out for over an hour. But this was something that I learned after you knew that I not only was planning not to shower at the gym but that I couldn’t really because I had no towel. I’m not sure whether you were thinking about the fact that whilst I don’t mind subjecting you to 5-10 minutes of BO (because lets face it, after marrying me, you’re stuck with me for better or for worse), I’m really not that comfortable subjecting the unknowing public to the same thing.

I had this idea in my head that the morning would go a certain way and I was quite happy with that but then you wanted to change everything and put me out. Which in a way I imagine is just how you feel when I announce that I have to go away for work or I am planning on not coming home at the regular time. Unknowingly you build this expectation which suddenly gets steamrolled flat and you don’t see it coming. You Dear Husband are not the only one who gets “hardly done by” however as a result of the seeming high-handedness of a partner calling the shots without consultation (which is just a dramatic way of saying making a decision without you). Now I get it. So I thought I’d point out that its just the same when you do it to me so you needn’t get so peeved that I wasn’t impressed. Its just the same in reverse….except for the fact that I think the two are completely different because in my case I couldn’t do what I had planned anywhere else and was going to be uncomfortable in public and in yours, you could still do exactly what I thought you would have done with me – watch tv at home with the laptop on your lap and ignore me. I’m just saying.

Still lovingly yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at Sculptures by the sea 2011

The Boy Who Cried Foul

2011-11-10T21:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

It’s a small thing really, although it depends on which way you’re looking at it I guess. Which truth be told, is a somewhat dodgy pun but you will not yet understand this of course for I haven’t finished my first thought. My first thought being that I think you and I should have a chat about perspective. And when I say “perspective”, I am talking about individual views on a single event such as:

· I just got a raise which is totally awesome because it wasn’t solicited and the money would come in real handy, as opposed to

· my wife just got a raise which is good for her but means she’s now earning more than me again which sucks eggs majorly and I can’t stop thinking about it

I am also talking about views on events in relation to other events such as:

· I just got a food stain on my shirt and it totally ruined my day, as opposed to

· I just got fired which totally ruined my day

Now there are many people who might perceive the total ruination of their day as a direct result of acquiring a food stain on their clothes. I believe however, that most of those same people would consider that occurrence to be small potatoes in comparison to the event of losing their source of regular employment. And perhaps you would be one of those individuals who feel this way also but in that case I feel that I would have to proffer the question – how the hell would I know?

But perhaps I am starting this discussion in the middle rather than at the beginning so I would like to draw your mind back to one day last week. On this particular day, you picked me up in the afternoon and immediately I could tell that something was wrong. There was no smile in greeting and barely a grunt in response to my salutation. I was met with the face of a thundercloud and faced with the aggressive driving of one who would seemingly rather be anywhere than where they were. I tried to probe subtly to see if I could solicit a response which would tell me what was wrong but my efforts garnered nothing but a series of monosyllabic answers and a sarcastic tone of voice. After several attempts, there was obviously no way that I could deftly identify the issue so after the string of dead ends (and heightening levels of frustration) I became more blunt and less courteous. This however made no discernible impact either unless you count the fact that by this point you weren’t really talking to me at all.

I think I managed to get out of you that you had experienced a “crap” day but that was it. After that, you clammed up. I of course was assuming the worst. What was it that was so bad you couldn’t tell me? Maybe you had received a severe dressing down at work and you were concerned for your job. Maybe someone delivered a debilitating character assassination and you were concerned about returning to your job. Maybe it wasn’t to do with your job at all and you had received a phone call with terrible news such as someone you cared about was terminally ill. Something truly awful must have happened because judging by your response, the gravity of the situation was immense. You were obviously physically ok but I was given the impression that your world was crumbling down around your ears and you felt helpless to stop it. I thought something truly traumatic had happened to you but as it turned out no, you were just disappointed.

I’m sorry to sound so glib. When you eventually got round to talking to me about it and telling me the “why” as opposed to merely telling me the basic “what” I began to understand a little more. Initially however, all I could think about was that you were carrying on like a pork chop because when you cut to the chase, a job that you didn’t have but thought you might like to do in the next year or so didn’t pay as much as you’d hoped. That was it. You had a neat little plan in your head that went something like in 12 months my ship is going to sail in but instead, someone downsized your ship to a ferry. And you weren’t happy. Now that I have all the information I also know that in finding out this particular “fact”, you once again were the recipient of differing information from management and peers in your workplace. Since this particular situation was also at the root of the reasons for leaving your previous job, the association brought back some very painful memories. Then, to add insult to injury, you did somewhat receive a distressing phone call complete with a dressing down and character assassination (in a mild form) from a single person – a parent. All up, a number of things contributed to a bad day.

Here’s the thing though. I still think that this was a bad day. I don’t think it was an awful or a horrendous day. I don’t think it was particularly agonising, heartbreaking or distressing (although you may wish to apply all three). I don’t think it was the WORST DAY EVER. I just think it was a bad day. You’re not a child anymore to live minute by minute, unable to rationalise out that even when things are crap, they can get better again. Just possibly, the five minute wait for food to a three-year-old that promotes a tantrum is like the 12 month wait to a better salary for an adult. Not what you wanted but not the end of the world either. Because here’s the other thing, whilst you are not a child, you are still young. For the sixty-year-old looking for that retirement money or that final career goal, there isn’t a lot of time left. Waiting another year or two for that next opportunity might not be an easy option to swallow. For you, I think you can handle it.

I know that you have many wonderful strengths and talents. It just happens to be that patience isn’t really one of them. Its probably not one of mine either which is why I find the rollercoaster ride of your emotions difficult to respond to on occasion. I also find it confusing when you keep on moving the goal posts. I might learn to read you better if you say got angry, defensive and withdrawn when you broke a nail but you yelled, swore and hit inanimate objects when you were really upset but you don’t. You use one or a combination of these seemingly indiscriminately to express your displeasure. And a situation that inspires a level ten reaction on one day could elicit a level five on another. Its confusing. And hard for me to get my head around. And since I don’t really understand, I was hoping that maybe you might like to help me out in future.

Its extremely hard to determine the appropriate level of sympathy, comfort, sensitivity and compassion to express when I’m not sure whether in the grand scheme of things you’re just blowing off steam because you think someone cut you off or you are actually dying inside. Maybe you could tell me what you want from me in advance. Maybe we could make up some severity cue cards so if you’re screaming bloody murder because you just forgot to record my tv shows, you can hold up a “3” so I’ll know you just have to get over kicking yourself in your own time and I don’t have to call in the cavalry. Maybe though you could have a second think about the things that are bothering you when they do, a think all the things we have together and a think about all the things some people will never have and figure that you’re day is really no so bad after all. Because maybe its just a matter of perspective.

Fortunately yours,

Your Loving Wife

PS. This does not mean that I can practice what I preach and never be irritated again by the fact that you leave doors and drawers open around the house.

* Photo taken on our honeymoon

Home Away From Home

2011-11-07T17:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

So, I asked you something this morning which I am reasonably sure that you promptly forgot within the short drive home from dropping me off at the train station. So its not exactly that my request potentially fell on deaf ears but rather that my request might not have been awarded the significance that brings forth the “retention” command from your brain in addition to that of “comprehension”. Or perhaps it is merely that after a couple of years of marriage I am still asking the wrong question. Can you do a lot of things I ask you to do? Of course you can. Will you? That is another matter entirely.

And my request today was very similar to one I made a few days ago. One which definitely did go in one ear and out the other because nothing has changed since. These are not big things that I have asked though, or at least I don’t think they are. They also seem to me to be something akin to common sense to me or at the very least common courtesy given what we share. I am talking about our car of course and the fact that I wish you would not treat it like your own private home away from home.

A home where the boot serves as the closet. The place where you can shove all sorts of paraphernalia in a haphazard sort of way and then close it off from human sight. A space that could be neatly ordered with a place for everything and everything in its place but unless you’re my mother, it probably isn’t. A home where the back seat serves as the yard and the garage all rolled into one. The space now reserved for the dog and everything that doesn’t fit in the house. Where you can keep those things you don’t want to or haven’t gotten around to throwing out yet. A Trash ‘n Treasure of sorts. A home where the passenger seat serves as the spare room where you put your occasional guests. Where you find a convenient surface that’s both handy and out of your way which is coincidentally also the repository for clutter most recently discarded. A place that probably should be a bit more organised but then its not as if anyone is there full time or permanently except that yes, I am. Permanent that is.

Every working day you drop me off at the station and those same days, you pick me up. On the weekends we frequently go out together as well so its really not as though I’m never there. And I’m getting a little sick of the plank of wood that is apparently supposed to fulfil some purpose not in the car, when it eventually makes it out of course. I am getting tired of the newspapers, junk mail, CD cases, letters and receipts that litter the space at my feet. I am totally over the discarded ties, empty packets and the heavy duty cable (whose purpose and raison d’être in our lives I don’t completely understand) which have totally clogged both foot wells in the back seat. Don’t even get me started on the boot and to top it all off, I am frustrated by the fact that there are numerous dirty food storage containers strewn throughout the car growing God knows what.

This is what I asked you this morning. If you could take them out of the car and put them in the washing up. The washing up which you don’t even have to do because its my job. I can’t tell you how delightful it is to open these food containers which have been repeatedly heated by a car in full sun and cooled by evening rain. Where the smell is almost overpowering and the mould has taken over and is practically its own little eco-system. I suppose that I shouldn’t admit that I even let it get to that point. That I see this debris and I leave it there. That I don’t simply go through the car each day like a mother rifles through a son’s school backpack looking for anything that shouldn’t still be in there but then I’m not your mother. I’m your wife. And I’ll be damned if I never make you do anything reasonable that I ask of you. So if you happen to read this today, will you please clear out the car and put the food containers in the washing up pile?

Potentially gratefully yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken of the Globe Bar on our anniversary

Month Twenty-Seven

2011-10-31T16:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

This last month as you know was my birthday month. And this year I think, it went pretty well. It was beginning to look a little sketchy around the time you started planning a dinner in celebration which was not my preference but once you came around to listening to me at the same time as talking to me regarding the day (two very different skills Dear Husband), we ended up with a brunch in our back yard that was fun. A dinner might actually have been fun too however my birthday is one of those things where I think experience has taught us that you either ask me what I want to do beforehand and we do that or you organise the whole thing and simply tell me what we’re doing on the day. At which point you probably also have to be prepared for the fact that I might not like it…

I swear I don’t mean to be difficult…or selfish (which is exactly how I’m sounding, I know)…but I get frustrated when you build up my special day and tell me in the lead up that the planning is all about me and you want me to have the best day ever and then we get to my birthday and you say “so what do you want to do?”. Because at that point, I’m like what happened to all the planning? You didn’t factor in that at some point we’d need to eat? You know I’m not pretty when I’m hungry…I'm not proud, I'm just saying...So we’ve worked out that if you’re going to ask me that then it had best be before my actual birthday and if I give you an answer then that probably means that I care. So if you completely ignore me, I’m going to be pissed. Therefore, for my birthday this year, after consultation, we had a mountain of delicious food, friends and family in the backyard for brunch. The weather held which was awesome…and you were totally vindicated in picking up the freebie carport-pergola thing that I originally thought was a waste of space. You now have my permission to say I told you so about the new shelter. It was indeed a good find. Especially since it served its purpose so well that we actually left it in place.

So you survived planning another one of my birthdays. You were even chuffed with yourself when you managed to buy me a gift that I 1) had not actually asked for or named and 2) did actually appreciate. Now I can understand being pleased by such a find because, I will admit, I’m not the easiest person to buy for really, but apparently I did underestimate the significance of such a gift discovery. Or maybe the present hierarchy is just beyond my understanding. According to you it seems, there is apparently an unwritten hierarchy of gifts. I’m not 100% sure what it is or how many variants of gifts actually exist but I am assuming it looks a little like this:

Something she wants dearly but would never ask for = The Most Awesome Gift Ever = an L series lens or a rose gold teardrop pendant and necklace (which incidentally would also require us to have won lotto first)

Something she wants but hasn’t asked for yet = A Really Thoughtful Gift = the next book in a series she has been reading for years

Something she wants and has asked for = A Considerate Gift (because who are you to deny your love) = the next dvd set in the TV series we are currently watching

Something she kind of wants and asked you for when prompted = A Token Gift (because at least you didn’t go out and buy something tacky) = picture frames

Something she has not asked for because she would never actually want it in the first place = are you sure you’re not on the way to a divorce because this is A Completely Crap Gift = bath salts

(ps. For anyone else who happens to be reading this, the bath salts as a gift idea is a long running personal joke because I think they say the gift giver doesn’t know me at all and hasn’t put much effort in either – I don’t even take baths!)

Now I’m sure that there are a whole heap of levels including gifts that were not wanted but ultimately perceived as falling anywhere between surprise hits and total flunks etc. but the above contains the all important levels which correspond to the fact that the gift I didn’t ask for ranked way higher than a gift for which I had put in a request. So I’m figuring that either I just don’t get it (which is entirely possible) or this is “boy logic”, in which case – I still don’t get it (which I think is more likely).

Anyway, this month also held a mini getaway for me when work required that I travel up to the Gold Coast for two days. Whilst not quite the sun and sand that I was expecting, it didn’t actually rain and I managed to fit in a couple of walks on the beach. It was nice to see work people in a social setting as well. But what was good for me was not so good for you. I still struggle with the fact that you really don’t like it when I am away. Its hard to get excited that I’m doing something out of routine for a couple of days when you are being consumed by the fact that I’m not there. Hopefully its better now that we have the puppy and you’re not alone in the house but the fact that you can see no advantages to the change in circumstances is a shame. Especially when towards the beginning of the month, you had a bit of a health scare.

As far as we know, everything is ok and you are reasonably healthy. Of course you could afford to eat a little better. More vegetables and the like. You really didn’t need to go out and buy a second cache of candy for Halloween – I swear you only bought that one for yourself! It also might be an idea if we got back into some sort of regular exercise like, I don’t know, taking the dog for a walk now and then…It can be scary though when doctors start to ask you about the “C” word. When they begin to query if you have a history of cancer in your family or any other conditions that they should be concerned about. There was nothing much that you could actually tell them and in the end, there was not much they could tell you either but I know that for a while questions, concerns and worries were running rampant through your mind and stealing your sleep. Hopefully now that has eased and things are getting easier.

Always yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken of the Bird of Paradise flowers in our garden

I'll Take You Driving...

2011-10-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

Now that we have a dog, we need a new car. Or in my words, now that we have a dog who is going to grow into a small horse in the not too distant future, we will eventually need a new car to accommodate us taking him places that require motorised transportation. But I know that one of the differences between you and I, is that I will use about twenty-seven words when two will suffice so to make sure my main sentence is perfectly clear to both of us: now that we have a dog, we will eventually need a new car.

See those two words I added in there? The ones you seem to consider silent? Whilst they don’t technically change…something I probably learnt in linguistics a while ago which equates to the “us needing” bit, semantically, as a whole, they are oh so different. Especially in regards to the natural progression from that statement. Because this is the difference between us actually buying something in the near future, this year, this month maybe, by the time that ebay sale ends in seven days, now, as opposed to, you know, not now. Sometime next year. When the puppy is not a puppy anymore and no longer fits in the car we own. When we get money from this financial year’s tax refunds. Later.

Now there are a lot of good reasons for waiting till “later”. The aforementioned money I thought was a pretty good one. And then theres the fact that we don’t actually know what we want. That I think is a pretty good one too. I mean do we replace the car we have now with a large family car with a big boot? Do we buy an average 2^nd car for interstate travel and trips to the dog park? Do we downgrade our small car to buy a nicer 2^nd car for interstate travel and trips to the dog park? Do we buy a 4WD as the dog car? Could he even jump up to get in a car higher off the ground than ours? Could he do it when he was old? Is a wagon a better option in that case? Would he fit in a wagon sitting up or only lying down? Does that matter? And just when you thought you were running out of questions, what happens when you throw kids into the mix? Car seats? Strollers? Port-a-cots? Are we going to need a tow bar and a trailer just to haul all the crap that we can’t bear to leave behind any time we go more than 30kms from the house??

It can’t possibly be this complicated. I’m sure there are plenty of people who own pets that don’t even have a car. Right now though Dear Husband, we don’t need a new car. We don’t even need a different car. There is nothing wrong with looking of course. Doing your research and finding what is around. I have seen you looking though and I can notice the signs. If I’m not careful, this will turn into the house all over again, I know it. Back then you were looking online, just looking! You told me you had no intention of doing anything which is why you weren’t speaking to banks and what happened? A month or two later we bought a house! Ok, so that worked out well and I like the house but still, I got ready by the time we had to sign on the dotted line. Right now? Not ready to buy a car.

Now granted, you are somewhat limited in your ability to just go out and buy any car you want by several hundred thousand dollars worth of debt. You also have a healthy dose of fear that your wife would kill you (or at least make you sleep on the crappy sofa for a while) if you made such a purchase without her consent but I see you when you show me one of the ugliest cars I have ever seen on ebay. I hear you tell me so reasonably that its really quite affordable and you could even work on it yourself. I know you want a shiny new toy that I’m convinced will quickly lose it lustre…

Its possible I am being totally unfair but really, if you’re selling this car to me on the premise that you can work on it yourself, you’re also going to have to make me believe that this won’t be like the DIY guitar rack thats sitting in the garage unpainted or like the dog kennel you built thats sitting on the porch with scrunched up lino in the base and little protection against the elements. You have to convince me that you have time in addition to that which you have advised me you want to start spending at the gym and doing obedience training with the puppy. In this case, you would also have to get me to come around to the idea of an “ugly” car (crappy, I’m pretty fine with, ugly, not so much). So please, Dear Husband, try not to get so offended when I’m not super excited by your finds online and I’m not telling you to buy now before we miss it.

When you married me you knew I was going to be the logical one and I’m just not ready to buy a car.

A Libran and yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo of the puppy who fits just fine in our car at 19 weeks

Month Twenty-Six

2011-09-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

This month, we two became three. Not the quasi three where you’re still really only two or even two-and-a-half (before you wait 9 months and then one of you opens up like a Russian doll of course, which now that I think on it, women don’t actually do – that would be excessive…and most likely fatal…the natural way is often best or a c-section if the first option isn’t possible…). ANYWAY, back on topic, we welcomed a new member into our family this month raising the inhabitants of the house by 50% and the number of legs by 100%. Since we moved into a home with a yard, we have wanted to live with a furry friend and so in the quest for such an addition, ~~you finally wore me down~~ we decided that the time was right to become the proud owners of a puppy. A very big puppy. Who knew a great dane was going to grow quite that fast?

So this month was definitely not uneventful and I have now confirmed several things:

· You are so not going to be the hard-ass parent and I will get stuck being bad cop more often than not. The first night we had the puppy, I had two big babies crying in distress. This was definitely not conducive to a good night’s sleep. Sorry if you think that is an unmanly thing for me to have written about you but perhaps choose to look at it as…evidence of the depth of your compassion (or perhaps that was empathy) for other living things…

· Our couch is flipping uncomfortable to sleep on for a whole night. This was an unfortunate realisation brought about by repeated experience since someone had to make sure that the puppy couldn’t simply push past the 3^rd makeshift barricade which kept him from full access to furniture, shoes, remote controls and other attractive (yet distressing for us) chew toys. And since you were sick…again…for a couple of days, that someone was mostly me.

· I am never getting my old life back again. Its kinda true when they say that getting a puppy is like having a child. You shouldn’t leave them unsupervised (although at least with a dog they’re often ok outside), you have to train them to go to the toilet in an appropriate place, you must teach them how to behave…you start talking for them as much as to them when others are around, you show off photos of them to your friends and family, your conversations become quite singularly focussed and your ability to be spontaneous and simply go with the flow is somewhat impeded. It’s a very involved process this pet ownership thing. No more spending the entire weekend out of the house just because. At least not if you still want a yard when you get back.

But then this has been a real learning curve for the both of us. You for example have learnt the valuable lesson, much to your dismay, that even though we now have a dog, you do not necessarily always have someone to blame for your farts. I will not deny that the pup is equally as able to let off a stinker that has me clamouring for the nearest door, window or exhaust fan but just so as you are aware, when your fart is vibrating through the couch I happen to be sharing with you, it is pitiful when you blame the dog who is lying quietly on his mat. And just because you smile sweetly at me does not mean that I will forgive you either. You after all should know better.

So this month hasn’t quite been like any other. It has certainly been an adjustment to have a canine in the house but on the plus side, he has been great. He doesn’t bark excessively, any “accidents” were due to our lack of timely action (he can’t after all open the back door himself) and he is more than happy to jump into the car for three minutes or three hours. We will of course have to buy a bigger car to accommodate the dog at some point (he just gets more and more expensive…) which has had you scouring the 2^nd had car lists and me going “mmm hmm” every time you show me another one and expound on its advantages (I’m not ready to get excited about a new car yet) but it only took him about 4 nights to learn to sleep through by himself without whining and he seems to play nicely with everyone (animals and people alike) without getting aggressive. Rowdy perhaps but not aggressive. All in all he is definitely the gentle giant. And he’s cute. And I’m sorry that in a highly sleep deprived and emotional moment I lost it because I wasn’t sure we’d done the right thing and were ready for a dog. It was clearly not one of my saner moments.

Otherwise this month, despite the obviously permanent change to our routines there were a couple of other highlights:

· One of my best friends and her husband flew in from South Africa and spent the evening with us. It felt like no time had passed at all and it was a great night. It also didn’t hurt that we finally got to crack open the bottle of champagne that had been burning a hole in our fridge so to speak, the bottle they had brought with them went down a treat and the two bottles of red, sherry, port and scotch that followed were all well received. We weren’t necessarily firing on all cylinders the next day but we haven’t had a night like that in ages.

· The washing machine broke. Normally this would not be a highlight and it may sound strange to list it as one but the washing machine going kaput was the perfect excuse to finally get a front loader which incidentally made it possible to fit the dryer into the laundry. As you will recall, right after we moved I said I loved my clothesline…when it rains however, I love my clothes dryer!

· We went shopping. Normally this would not be a highlight either as we have previously established that under normal circumstances, we do not shop well together. Or rather, I have come to this conclusion and you are still somewhat bewildered as to why I have a problem with your constant need to know when, where, for how long and for what…exactly. For the first time in months however (now that we have our tax refund money back), I got to spend money on myself to buy things that I wanted but didn’t necessarily need. Both of us went out together and I came back with bags…BAGS!…of bargains and it was such a guilty pleasure. Apparently it was also hard work for you but I just wanted to mention that I did appreciate it.

And that was pretty much the month. There was also a brunch at the pastor’s, a trip down to my parents’, an excursion to the theatre to see Avenue Q and some catching up with family closer to home. We got to see my sister’s new pad (she is finally getting ready to move out of home and rent!) and I think you did a bit of soul searching when you heard Reggie Dabbs who reminded you of your social conscience. I had my review at work which was as expected if not a little heavy on the “you’re doing fine but you’re really not living up to your potential” but you’ve been doing such a great job that your workplace offered you permanence. I think we have managed to keep fairly occupied for once.

Busily yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo of the puppy at 15 weeks

Logically Speaking

2011-09-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

Now normally you act like a rational and intelligent individual. You make many logical arguments when you put forward your ideas or your opinions. Quite often I marvel at the way your mind works as you turn a phrase or express yourself succinctly. Occasionally however I marvel at the way your mind works when from two and two, you appear to get five. And since you tend to gloss over some of these moments when you are in the middle of justifying exactly why I have acted unjustly, irrationally and / or illogically, I just thought I’d save some for posterity…

Marriage is about speaking the same language:

Me: Can you please move that power tool into the garage?

You: What power tool?

Me: You know, the one you left in the study the other day?

You: No, what power tool?

Me: The one you used to put the big hole in the desk.

You: You mean the drill?

Me: Is that not a power tool?

Marriage is about honesty:

You: You just have to admit that I’m the bestest husband in the whole world and you know I’m always right.

Me: You know I can’t do that.

You: Sure you can.

Me: Yes. But I’m not going to lie to you, you know this.

You: But you could pretend like you really believe it…

Me: Are you saying that its ok if I lie to you as long as I pretend that I really believe what I’m saying?

You: No.

Me: But you are not always right Dear Husband.

You: Well maybe you could lower your expectations a little?

Marriage is about compromise:

You: Why am I so stoopid?

Me: I don’t know, I ask myself that all the time.

You: Do you really?

Me: No, only most of the time.

You: Ha! Just for that, I think you owe me a puppy!

Me: Oh really?

You: Unless you want to lick my feet and nuzzle up to my balls?

I’m just saying…

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at a winery near Beechworth

Month Twenty-Five

2011-08-31T19:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

My goodness you were in a bad mood this month…for at least half of it. I honestly don’t know what kept pushing you out of the wrong side of the bed every morning because it wasn’t me. I was the one tiptoeing around you trying to stay out of the line of fire! There have been times previously where you have been down or frustrated or worried but this month, its like you were angry, although I’ve no idea at what. It got bad enough that I tried to talk to you about it a couple of times. I also contemplated paying for a “multi” ticket again so I could start catching the bus to and from the train station. This would mean that you could relax at home for longer and wouldn’t need to bring and fetch me every day. And give me pissed Dear Husband in the car…

To be honest, I am clueless as to where this came from. You were in your new job so it wasn’t about being unemployed. And I’ve seen you come home from some jobs that you absolutely hated to be at so it wasn’t the job itself either. We weren’t really doing anything all that different to previous months…hanging with the neighbours on the weekends, going to the shops once in a while etc…and there was nothing else majorly wrong with the house that would have stressed you out so I don’t know where the anger came from. Maybe I completely missed something of which I really should have been aware?? It seemed to have subsided towards the end of the month but then maybe thats because being ill took over?

I swear, you feel sick more than any other person I know. Either any little ailment you have is one that you multiply by a thousand so it sounds like you’re soldiering on when I’m supposed to think you’re dying inside or you perpetually live your life feeling crap. And if the latter is the case, I don’t know how you live like that. I keep trying to hint that maybe you should do some exercise or perhaps eat a little healthier (or god forbid talk to someone about how you’re feeling) in the hope that these changes might effect others but then the next time we’re at the supermarket you want garlic bread, ice cream and beer and whenever the topic of walking to work is raised, you hastily change the topic.

As I think on it now, I recall a conversation we had a couple of months after you had been in hospital. I would constantly worry every time you said you were feeling sick or had a headache and you complained that I didn’t trust you to be well or ok or something like that. I guess I grew out of that…The worrying that is. Its not that I don’t care now though or that I’m not concerned for your wellbeing. I don’t like seeing you feeling bad but theres also a selfish part of me thats kinda tired of hearing that you’re under the weather. There, I admit it. I’m a terrible wife. I have been losing sympathy for your physical ailments because I don’t see you doing much about them apart from complaining and popping pain pills. I want to know where my Happy Husband went because it’d be really nice if he came back for a visit. Or, you know, to stay. Permanently. Provided that you weren’t in-my-face-happy because that would drive me up the wall and I’d have to hurt you. But just plain happy would be nice.

And apart from that, I can’t think of anything else specific that happened this month. You kept trying to spend money. I kept trying not to spend money. We ended up coming out somewhere in the middle and occasionally neither of us felt good about it. We’re going to have to work on that one I think. I hate having to or feeling like I say “no” all the time. Probably as much as you dislike feeling that I have begrudgingly agreed to spend money I obviously wasn’t intending to spend. So if we could get to a point where there was more disposable income and you didn’t need to ask me for cash, that would be awesome. Of course, having a house and a car which both sometimes need funds available to them suddenly gets in the way of the disposable income bit but I’m sure we’ll figure out something. Just as we will figure out how to get back on an even keel.

Yet again, I appear to have summed up a month in which the general feel seems to be negative. I think thats sad as I don’t view the marriage that way at all. Sure, there are things I’d like to improve or change and we perhaps had more downs than ups over the past few weeks but every time that I come home and you’re genuinely happy to see me or when you relax enough to flirt without any real intention other than making me smile, it makes me happy and I’m glad to be there.

Constantly yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken of the night sky

Tity is as tidy does

2011-08-20T23:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

I feel it would remiss of me not to point out to you that tidying can be done at the same time as living. The two are in fact not mutually exclusive activities. Crazy, I know. It is actually possible not to severely compromise the quality of ones living (and indeed, I think it can even be enhanced) by tidying in small amounts as you go. And I’m not talking about cleaning here. Theres no need to involve utensils, appliances or products. There is even no call to use undue force and exertion by scrubbing, wiping or polishing. I am simply talking about picking things up and moving them from one place to the other. From where they lay to where they are supposed to be and that’s as easy as a, b, c!

Just in case you were ever wondering, you do not need to wait till the eleventh hour when the requirement for something to be neat and tidy compels you or until the wife takes you by the ear (which ever comes first and in your case, it’ll be the wife) to clear the clutter. You can take action at any time with minimal effort and amazing results. Remember, happy wife, happy life and all. Its not difficult. You have told me several times this month that you have great peripheral vision so there is no reason why you can’t see the myriad of things that need doing regularly as a direct result of your actions (or rather that was inaction) and that I end up doing in one big lot as I follow the path of your laziness around the house.

The other weekend was a perfect example. Whilst I was sitting on the couch waiting for you to finish fixing your hair in the bathroom, I noticed your cup, plate and cutlery from breakfast on the coffee table. As I bent down to pick them up, I saw your smelly shoes and socks under the coffee table so I went into the kitchen to deposit the dirty crockery and cutlery on the sink before returning to the living room to pick up your smelly shoes (which I then went to place on the shoe rack in the entry) and the socks which I walked back through the kitchen and into the adjoining laundry before depositing in the dirty washing basket. On my way back out through the kitchen and dining room, I noticed the bare coat hangar lying on the table from where you had ironed your shirt the previous day. I therefore picked this up and went into the laundry once again to hang it there, ready for the next time I wash and put out your shirts to dry.

When I wandered back to the living room, I came upon your pyjama bottoms which lay crumpled on the floor in a heap where you had shucked them whilst watching tv before going to take a shower. I therefore picked them up and took them into the bedroom so that I could place them on the bed. This was where I noticed the wet towel which I quickly picked up and took into the bathroom (which you had now vacated) to stop the bed from getting any damper (at least it was your side). When I turned around from hanging up the towel, I saw that yet again you had mastered the art of opening the vanity but not closing it once you were done so I shut this and turned to leave at which point my eyes fell on the pile of your dirty clothes that habitually seem to take over the space behind the door. After picking these up, I also turned off the exhaust fan and the lights which you had left on in the bathroom. Again.

As I exited the bathroom, I looked across the hall and noticed that your beside table drawer was left hanging open (I feel like I could count on one hand the times that you have closed this yourself) and resolved to come back when I had free hands after delivering the pile of clothes from the bathroom to the laundry. On the way back to the bedroom to see to the drawer hanging out with all your underwear on show, I picked up the jacket lying on the arm of the sofa as it was now obvious that you were not going to wear this out (you were ready to go and wearing a sweatshirt instead). I then walked back down the hall to the bedroom where I pushed in the dresser draw and found an empty glass sitting on top. I picked up the glass and then walked into our spare room/wardrobe where I hung up your unused jacket before returning to the kitchen where I place the empty glass on the sink.

Since we were trying to get out the door at the time, I didn’t even look at the general untidiness of library books, dvds, mail and other such paraphernalia that seems to permeate our home. I just followed your trail of destruction. Which in turn makes me think “c’mon,… really!?!”. You know that I do like to be at least a little houseproud and you also knew on that particular weekend that we had a guest coming to the house. Sure, I get the being a little lazy during the week (I usually have a floordrobe happening in the bedroom) but you didn’t think that maybe you could have made a little bit of effort on that particular morning? It wasn’t as if the majority of that stuff had been accumulating for a week or more. Most of the debris occurred in the previous 24 hours, including that very morning!

I know that if we are having people to dinner on a weeknight and you are home before I am then you will tidy up the living areas. I'm not even going to get started here on your actual method of tidying things - into another room. The tidying up thing in general however just proves to me that you are in fact more than capable. I just wish you'd choose to practice it a bit more.

Tidily yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at our trip to the National Zoo last year

Things we have learned: We bought a house from people who "might" have made questionable home improvements

2011-08-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

It is to be expected I suppose that with a 50 year old house you are going to get some issues but I think we had hoped we wouldn’t encounter them quite so soon. Like the problem this month with the toilets backing up. This wasn’t actually a catastrophe like when the shit hits the fan because after all, the poo only rose to the surface. Sorry, toilet humour, I know. But it was a dilemma which led to an expensive couple of meetings with the plumber. We probably got off lightly since we feared that we had a whole collapsed pipe under the driveway but in the end we seem to have resolved things for the next 6-12 months by replacing a small section of the pipe and having the roots cleared out of the system.

Now this type of issue can easily happen to houses like ours and is not particularly uncommon, however, since the plumber also found that we had a rather conspicuous hole between the garage and the house that had previously been disguised by a recycling box, I am inclined to believe that the former owners knew of the plumbing issues and were doing some home maintenance themselves. I think this is also supported by the fact that when we (meaning you and a friend) dug up the front yard (or rather a portion at the top of the driveway) to save us paying the plumber to do it (I think your slave labour was totally worth $700), we found more evidence of amateur plumbing.

So its not as though we can do anything about the contract of sale now or even that we know for sure that there was anything dodgy on the part of the previous owners but it is convenient to blame them. Is that wrong?

Ponderingly yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at the Firewater Festival in Sydney

Things we have learned: Sometimes I really need to apologise

2011-08-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

I think the subtitle for this post should be that I should learn to think more before I speak.

Most people do not like to admit that they are wrong and I am clearly no exception to this general rule. I like to think that my behaviour is above reproach and that I am a considerate human being but regrettably, I can sometimes be remarkably careless. And for each of those times when this has affected you, I owe you an apology. One of the great things about a good marriage (or its equivalent) is that you get to spend your life with someone who wants to be part of and invest in your future. You take pleasure in both the giving and receiving of love and affection and you are able to relax in each other’s company. You also bare more of your soul to that person trusting that they will handle with care and use the information wisely. That person can then make things better just by being there or by saying a few well thought out words. Unfortunately however, just as easily, when those words are not well thought out, they can hurt.

I know that whilst you are reconciled with who and where you were before you met me, you are not especially proud of all of it and don’t like to be reminded of it constantly. You don’t like to be put back in the place where you are the subject of others’ ridicule or be confronted by the assumptions that you’ll never do any better than you did before or that you couldn’t even if you tried. No one wants to experience this of course and the many people who care for you today don’t believe that you haven’t already moved on from that previous stage in your life. I hope on some level that you know that. Unfortunately though, what we now sometimes mistake for good natured jibing occasionally hits a little close to home. These are sore points for you and I know this yet every once in a while I carry something too far or bring something up for which there is no need because it doesn’t make either of us better people.

I may intentionally annoy and frustrate you, I’ll admit it, but I never mean to cause you unnecessary pain. I am sorry when I hurt you by being careless with my words and I never want you to think that you shouldn’t share things with me because I can’t be trusted. I hope you understand that when I am careless, it doesn’t come from malicious intent and you can be patient whilst I learn to get past an aspect of my life that doesn’t make me proud.

Also apologetically yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken on one of our trips away to the Victorian wine country - this was on one of the vineyard warehouses

Things we have learned: Slamming doors does not make me apologise

2011-08-10T23:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

We had a fight this month. Not a disagreement or conversation where we were merely being snippy with each other vying for the imaginary points of the self-righteous but a fight where you slammed the door to the bedroom with me still inside it and stormed out of the house before driving off in the car. That really pissed me off. The slamming me inside the room more than the driving off in a huff but in general, that was one of the few times that I’ve ever wished we had a second car. All of a sudden I felt like you had trapped me inside a building that no longer felt like a home and left me with no way to get out. It had been raining on and off so it wasn’t as if the weather was that great outside and I didn’t have any cash for the bus but I just couldn’t stay there in case you came back and wanted to talk so I left. Chancing the rain, I walked out of the house for a couple of hours and put all of your calls through to voicemail.

I don’t remember exactly what the fight was about now. I remember you trying to get your way and me not simply giving it to you but I don’t remember the why. I think I was tired of feeling like I had gone out of my way to support you when you were unemployed and that your expectations didn’t seem to have changed once you had found a job. That wasn’t of course anything that I had actually put into words to you but it was probably a strong contributor to a string of misinterpretations that led to the arguing and the leaving. You often speak in absolutes when you are upset and your opening salvos are usually in terms of blame, fault and guilt. I still don’t understand why we can’t start with a false impression or a misunderstanding instead. Do we go past that point and I don’t even notice? So we both felt terrible and I cut myself off knowing that you would be worried. I didn’t sms you to let you know that I was ok and I left you with no information other than the fact that I was gone. That was something I did need to apologise for because that was me behaving badly and I did apologise to you – eventually. When I was ready. And hopefully that means something.

Apologetically yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at the Vivid Festival honouring Lachlan Macquarie.

Things we have learned: Each job has a beginning, a middle and an end

2011-08-09T20:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

One might argue that we have more learned "of" this phenomenon rather than learning this as a lesson in and of itself. Or maybe it is that you have learned that I think this and happen to believe that you should think this too. But maybe it is that in realising this, we now know that we see these attributes completely differently and therefore we are learning to understand where the other is coming from? Or perhaps not.

Whichever is the more correct, I think this lesson will remain a bit of a work in progress for us as a couple because from where I stand at least, I am still surprised that you are amazed when I take issue with some things. The fridge is definitely a case in point. Now that we have impoverished ourselves to some extent by buying a house, you have taken to trawling through the free classifieds for things that we might want. In addition to the things you find that we really don’t need, you managed to find a fridge that would fit in our kitchen. Now I am not knocking this. The new free fridge is great. We now have a working freezer in the house and we don’t need to go to the garage for ice cream which is awesome but we seemed to view the whole process a little differently.

Your version (and granted, I have taken poetic licence here as don’t “know”): I spent ages making sure I was checking the sites so if anything good was advertised, I could snap it straight up. When I found a great fridge, I arranged for a friend to help with their car and booked a cheap trailer so we could pick it up. After picking up the fridge, we drove it back, set it up in the house and then I cleaned it up. Done and dusted.

My version: You found a replacement fridge and planned with the neighbour to go and pick it up. You booked the trailer half an hour before you needed to be at your destination which was in fact half an hour away thus making you late (and unable to return the child along for the ride before picking up the fridge which was the original intention). When you returned, you moved the original fridge from its position into the dining room and manoeuvred the new fridge into the kitchen before returning the trolley to the neighbours. You then wiped down the new fridge and got it ready for use.

So close yet so far. You appeared completely gob-smacked that I was not happy with the fact that I now had a big fridge sitting in my dining room with no conceivable notion that it would ever be removed any time soon since you had returned the trolley already. The fact that I keep tidying up the house and try to make it homely seems to have escaped your notice or perhaps it just doesn’t compute that having a large unnecessary appliance where it does not belong would not make me happy. We had words over that and I expressed that I wanted it out of the house. I wanted it gone completely actually but since that was an unrealistic expectation at the time I said I didn’t particularly care where you put it as long as it wasn’t in the house. It is now sitting in the same place you put it that afternoon. Just like the carpet you pulled up is sitting in the same place you moved it to when I asked you to get it off the porch. And kind of like the washing up never gets put away in the cupboards unless I do it.

When you occasionally do the washing up (and yes, I acknowledge that you help out sometimes with "my jobs") you 1. run the water, 2. wash the dishes and 3. stack them to drain. When I wash the dishes, I 1. go through the house collecting all the items that require washing up, 2. run the water before washing each of the dishes so I can move them to the draining rack and finally 3. wipe up any items that are still wet before putting them away in their correct position. Which is the proper way to wash the dishes. In my opinion.

Opinionatedly yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at a Canberra Floriade festival a few years ago.

Things we have learned: Sometimes you have to fight for what you want.

2011-08-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

You know, it never ceases to amaze me that when you go into attack a service provider with all guns blazing. You always seem to come out much better off. You wanted phone reception in rural Victoria for the three days that you were planning to spend there in the entire year when you really didn’t have anyone you “needed” to call? Sorry sir, I can’t fix that for you but let me give you three months usage for free. You don’t happen to have in writing that you were promised additional data on your phone plan but you have a $500 bill that you don’t want to pay? I do apologise sir, allow me to waive that extra charge for you and ensure that your plan is amended in our system for its remaining life. Honestly, the stuff you get away with sometimes…

And then there was Harry Potter and the eventful event cinemas where as it turned out, it was me that got all worked up. Over baby talk. I am all for people maintaining some semblance of a life after they have children but I am not an advocate of parents bringing infants to evening sessions and allowing them to chatter repeatedly through the movie. Sure, we were not subjected to screaming or crying but the constant “da da da da da” was just as annoying. Your kid appears less than 2 years old. I don’t think they really understand “shhh!”. But this stupidity and lack of consideration (on the parents part) was then matched by the cinema who advised that their policy is to only refund movies within the first half hour and they simply could not do anything if you haven’t gone to find someone to alert them of the issue or notified an attendant at some point through the movie which I must say is complete and total bollocks.

You can do whatever you want regarding refunds, vouchers and gift certificates if you are the duty manager because you did when my tirade got longer and louder. Please don’t insult my intelligence.

After you have made it abundantly clear that you will never willingly choose to offer compensation after the first half hour of the movie, I am so not ever going to consider walking out halfway through in order to find a staff member and complain whilst I miss the movie I paid to see. And by the way, I don’t care if you “think” this process takes two minutes, I don’t even leave the cinema to pee because I’ll miss part of the movie.

To be honest, if I am sitting smack bang in the middle of a row in front of the offending party, I am really not comfortable getting up and stepping over others to flag down the roving staff member thus making it perfectly obvious that I am the one responsible for the parents being publicly warned and possibly thrown out. So what if I’m chicken? I heard plenty of whispering that said there were a good handful of people in that theatre who felt the same as me but none of them wanted to make an exhibition of themselves either.

Somewhat aggressively yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at Firewater last year in Sydney - obviously.

Month Twenty-Four

2011-08-07T23:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

I got to do my happy dance this previous month. Not only because we have now lasted through two years of marriage and are still together but also because you got a job. It wasn’t the job you were perhaps expecting to get at the end of last month but I do believe you are now better off all round. And maybe it is in fact a good omen that your situation has slightly mirrored mine from all those months ago. I remember when I assumed that an official offer on paper was a mere formality rather than just a possibility and I waited for what turned out to be a big fat nothing. I went on to get a great job though so I’m hoping that this new role is the same for you. It is ridiculously close to home which is definitely a big plus.

So that was a positive for this month but as in any marriage I am sure, there are always those things that are there to give you balance. This is of course a more polite way of saying there are times which are completely crap. And there were a few of those this month too so in the weeks leading up to our 2^nd anniversary, I have come to reflect on our journey as a whole to date in addition to the previous month. Now there are always lessons to be learned from life (and of course hindsight which tells you that you could have done it better in the first place) but just so as we’re on the same page, I thought I might share with you some of my conclusions regarding things that I think we have learned. Of course, to elaborate on them all would make for an exceptionally long letter so I thought I would list them here and expand on them later except for the last one which is fitting for today.

Things I think we have learned in two years of marriage:

· Sometimes you have to fight for what you want

· Each job has a beginning, a middle and an end

· Slamming doors does not make me apologise

· Sometimes I really need to apologise – also known as I should think before I speak

· We bought a house from people who “might” have made questionable home improvements

And…

Even when things go wrong, they turn out in the end

I think this one is true on so many levels for us whether it’s regarding the small things like leaving your wallet on the bus and having the car battery die or regarding the bigger things like ending up in hospital for three weeks with a headache and losing your job. Somehow we land on our feet and things don’t turn out so bad after all. I know you worry constantly about when the next shoe is going to drop but I hope that this doesn’t stop you from enjoying what we have. I hope you can see that even though you can’t always have everything just the way you want it, that doesn’t mean that what you have isn’t any good.

A timely reminder for this was in fact our actual anniversary where, yet again, somewhat inauspicious events led up to a great day all round. You started the day by cutting your forehead open whilst doing some backyard renovations. You didn’t end up with a black eye which would have been talking point on Monday morning but I know that the mild concussion really hurt and was bleeding slightly. Later, when we eventually got to lunch, it started to rain cats and dogs outside whilst inside the Lord Nelson (a pub which brews their own beer), the one thing you really wanted to try was temporarily off the menu. And then they incinerated your burger bun. These unfortunate events were only compounded I think by the fact that prior to us heading out the door for a romantic dinner, you sat down on the ottoman and split your pants! You didn’t give up though and by the time we got to the main course, you were practically having a little love affair in the corner with your spatchcock. And that’s not meant to be as dirty as it sounds!

They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and whilst I think that is not the only way, it would definitely hold true for you. A good meal for you is well worth its weight in gold and this one was sufficient for you to ask after the chef. You told me how amazing the dish was about seven times while you were eating it and you were clearly in bliss. And since the good food was topped of with some fantastic wine, right then, you couldn’t get any higher than cloud nine without being indecent. So once again we have had a great meal at a Tapas and Wine bar for our anniversary which is perhaps setting a dangerous precedent but clearly, just when you think things are looking down, the sun comes out again and you get hot. Although according to you dear (biased) husband, I already am hot but that’s another story.

Happy Anniversary,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo of the place we had our anniversary dinner.

Did You Get...

2011-07-20T19:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

Every now and then, you tend to perform what I have now come to see as one of your recurring features. It is unfortunately not a redeeming feature because it does happen to tick me off me somewhat – especially on my off days – but it causes no harm and is indeed easy enough to live with on an ongoing basis. It gets worse when you’re not working of course but its not something that I think will ever change (and nor am I expecting it to if I am honest) and I can cope with that. I must say though, for someone who has frequently professed to always think before they speak, I really wonder if you do sometimes.

It seems that you have this bizarre proclivity to ask me if I have received something. Specifically, did I get your text, did I get your email, did I get your skype message and the like. Now this isn’t such a strange question and would seem completely logical except for the fact that you’re you. You’re the type of person that sends me random emails at work with deals that you have found in your inbox, about things that have been offered for free on gumtree or containing profiles of puppies for sale etc. You are the kind of guy that asks me whether I feel ok because you are feeling sick or what I want for dinner which I tend to view as queries not requiring an immediate answer (even if I have one) because you’re not going to do anything with the information before I see you or speak with you over the phone.

So it would seem that these are perfectly normal questions from you as I don’t respond to every single thing you send me in a day (I kinda figure that at work, I’m being paid to do precisely that and not to engage in my social life) but that’s all you give me. Did you get my email?...Which email? The one about pet rescue? The one about the living social deal? One of the other seven emails I received today from you? If you only sent me one email today then I could definitely narrow it down or identify that I had not received something that I should have received but I need more information here. Especially as you’ve just reminded me I received umpteen messages from you the whole way through the day for things that I really think could have waited till I wasn’t working. A time or a subject or some other identifying factor here would be really great. I’m just saying…

Constructively yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken of fireworks some time last year...at least I think it was last year.

You've Got Male

2011-07-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

Now that we are approaching the two year mark, I have been putting some thought into the journey so far. We have certainly grown as a couple and in addition to all the small changes that one should really expect in a marriage, there were a couple that I at least did not. One of them was to do with our mail. And I am not referring here to the change in address from my maiden name to my married name even though as we both know I have been lazy and tight and therefore haven’t actually forked over the cash to change this officially yet. I resent the fact that I have to pay for a 2^nd marriage certificate first to prove that I have wed because the marriage certificate that was issued when we actually got married is not sufficient but I digress…

As much as people might wish it were different, we are not yet a paperless society and as such, we still receive correspondence via the post. In our household though, since I tend to be the one who is home last, I rarely get the task of checking the mailbox. You on the other hand often bring in the mail, some of which is addressed to me. Now one might be forgiven for thinking that when this is the case then dear wife, “you’ve got mail” but personally I have found that more often than not it’s really the case of honey, don’t you know, “you’ve got ‘male’”. On repeated occasions I have found important letters in the middle of a whole stack of other paraphernalia, underneath the couch and even beside the toilet. Its like you bring mail into the house without looking at it and put it down next to the first thing you do and forget about it. You certainly don’t let me know we have received it. You just leave it to me to find, if I’m lucky, whilst I live in the hope that nothing scary like a final reminder notice is lurking amongst a pile of junk mail catalogues that I forget to double check before turfing into the recycling. I don’t understand the difficulty in always putting mail in the same location so I am sure to see it – our homes have never been that big that this should be a chore – but apparently it is beyond your skill set.

And then there is the mail that you take marginally more attention of and do actually open yourself, regardless of the addressee. If it looks at all interesting you seem to figure that by rights, you should be entitled to open it. Unfortunately for you Dear Husband, your wife does not agree. Chalk it down to my crazy desire to maintain some semblance of independence or personal identity in our marriage but I happen to be of the opinion that mail addressed to me alone is actually mine. Not yours. And despite the fact that you would never be convicted in a million years for opening my mail, its actually illegal for you to do so which means that you should not do it. I am not of the opinion that I have to be present for you to open any correspondence that is addressed to both of us (I think that’s a bit much) but I do kind of like the idea of being able to open my own presents. And no matter what you may think, there is no way that opening a cylindrical container over 40cms in height that was delivered to the door and addressed solely to me was something you opened by “accident”.

Yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at stupid o'clock in the morning at a Balloon Festival early last year - i.e. not this month.

Month Twenty-Three

2011-06-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

I put off sitting down to start drafting my letter to you this month in the hope that my first sentences could be in celebration of a new job. One that would hopefully both excite and fulfil you, and return to you the feelings of self-worth that I have seen disappearing slowly over the last month. It seems that we are yet to be blessed however with a legitimate offer of employment for you. There was the familial offer of a potential position without start date or defined salary (which is also currently being performed by another) but in the whole scheme of things, it wasn’t an offer you could call firm and it is really not going to help pay the bills next month. So you braved numerous interviews, the most promising of which is still yet to offer feedback.

It is both a positive and negative that you have been to quite a number of interviews over the past couple of weeks. It is comforting on one hand to know that you are appealing enough on paper for employers and agents to seek you out and further ascertain your suitability for their job. This is a lot more than some people experience and as they say, practice makes perfect. It is depressing however for you to meet the same people again and again who show little sign of possessing any original thought or keen intellect. People who routinely ask asinine questions before deciding that you are a great candidate but you’re just not passionate enough about the job. To be fair, not all your interviews have been like this. Some have been with people who are talented at their job but many have been with people who support the argument that evolution has gone as far as it can and we are now making the return journey.

I think one of the highlights of the month would have to be Three Strike Sally, who is named Sally purely for the convenience of the story. I recall that Sally didn’t particularly impress you with her recruitment consulting skills when she rushed you into an interview at the agency – with someone else as she was too busy to do it herself. It seemed unusual for the consultant responsible for the job in question not to be the one to meet you face to face but I guess we were meant to assume that this happens all the time. She also did not in any way endear herself to you when it became evident that your appointment had been double booked along side an internal meeting which left you waiting. Where Sally really went wrong however was when she rang you up to criticise you. Sally (or one of her minions) apparently went ahead and both booked and confirmed an interview time with the employer without consulting you at all. She was then extremely put out to discover that you had made a prior commitment and would be unable to arrive at the appointed time. You very politely advised that you would be happy to attend an interview at alternate time since you had already promised yourself elsewhere and she very impolitely tried to pressure you into doing precisely what she wanted so she could save face and not look like an idiot in front of her client. Apparently it completely escapes Sally’s notice that both employer and employee are her clients and she cannot get one without the other but we can’t all have an IQ above 10 now can we?

The other outstanding player this month was not so much a single person but a string of interview questions guaranteed to reveal extremely little about the subject they were supposed to illuminate, ie. you. Tell me what attracted you about this position? When “um…you were hiring” does not really cut it you are left with variations of “I thought I could actually do the job” to, as someone most inappropriately put it, “allow me to rephrase your question, ‘Please spend the next few minutes complimenting me and gargling my company’s balls’” before proceeding to do just that. Then there were the clichéd requests such as “tell me why we should pick you over the other candidates” which on the surface would seem an exercise in futility. After all, how are you supposed to make a comparative assessment on people you know nothing about in relation to a specific job and work environment you have never experienced? In the end its not an exercise in open and honest interaction but in who’s bullshit sounds better. Especially when it comes to “what is your biggest weakness?”.

What do employers really expect you to say here? My biggest weakness is I’m a workaholic? I try too hard? I’m such a perfectionist? My biggest weakness is ironically enough a cunning disguise for my biggest strength? How about I am impervious to the slings and arrows of others unless you happen to puncture my heel. Or as I read somewhere “I have two. One, I have an aversion to Kryptonite but it doesn’t normally affect my work, and two, you really don’t want me to work overtime during a full moon. Seriously.”. I think people lie as much in order to answer this question as they do when they hear “tell me about a time when…”. What they want to know from these sorts of questions I suppose is what your attitude is towards adverse situations or how you tend to approach difficult circumstances but what they get is resentment so that were they were to ask you to recount a professional conflict and how you resolved it, you might want to provide one of my favourite answers to this type of dumb interview question - “one time, during an interview, someone kept asking me really stupid questions that did nothing but force me to feed them rubbish for an hour, so I resolved it by urinating in my pants. Operation Peepee Storm was a huge success”.

So this month for you has been one filled with stupid questions for seemingly no real gain whatsoever. Hopefully things turn around soon and we can move on from this current hiccup in our lives. It will certainly help that you are no longer sick. Despite receiving the flu shot this year, you managed to contract the latest strain doing the rounds which floored you for about a week and a half. You were a moaning and miserable patient and you very nearly lost your voice which made a few of your interviews rather interesting. Although I must say that it was kind of handy that you contracted the virus when you did have the time to stay home and sleep all day. The flu managed to miss me but I did catch a cold at the same time which always complicates matters because invariably when you want more comfort and company because you are sick, I want less for exactly the same reason but this passed and we are both well again.

Apart from the job hunting and getting sick, the other major variation this last month which differentiates it from the rest of the minutiae of day to day living, was the weekend full of family and the dinner party. Two separate subjects which had nothing to do with each other although we might have had a better time if we’d gone to dinner with the family instead or had family at the dinner party which we attended. Through no fault at all from our hosts that evening, I must say that it was probably the first time that both you and I have felt so uncomfortable and like fish out of water simultaneously. You who normally finds it frighteningly easy to strike up a conversation with anybody found yourself struggling for something worthwhile today and I felt like I was in the wrong place at the wrong time because its certainly the first time in a while that I have actually felt old. Old and boring. And probably a little bit conceited too. It is embarrassing to admit but I found myself comparing the evening to my expectation of what I thought a planned dinner party amongst double income married couples with no small children should be like. What they are like for my parents now that my sister and I are all grown up. In my head, there was a very clear distinction between being invited to dine and asked if I wanted to drop by for tea and I thought the evening in question should have been the former but was more of the latter. When did I become so much of a stuck up snob!?! Was it just because I felt a little out of my depth the whole night when a lot of the popular culture references were seemingly flying over my head? Was it because of the history of why the dinner party was a dinner party and not a weekend away? Or was I just overtired from all my family being around?

After all my immediate family declined the invitation to our housewarming, something which actually quite upset me at the time, they all seemed to decide with rather short notice that they were going to descend for a weekend. Which normally wouldn’t be a problem for me because I do really enjoy having them here. Since we only have one spare mattress however, my sister and her partner came for the Friday night and then swapped with my parents who arrived for the Saturday night. When we already had plans. As you know, I love my family dearly but in hindsight it may have been better to try and find a time when I could have hung out with them a little more. Or maybe separately or something. And preferably without food being involved in my sister’s case because that seems to put a spanner in the works quite frequently. And trying to make everyone happy is downright exhausting.

On the Friday afternoon my sister and her partner arrived at our house. It made sense to do it that way because then you could all head into the city together to meet me after work. I was disappointed that I was unable to be there the first time she saw the house but it seems no one else found particular worth in that concept except me. Anyway, you all arrived in the city eventually and we went down to the harbour to take photos of the Opera House. The Vivid festival had come round again and the photographer in me got excited by the possibility for some new night photography shots. Stupidly however, my excitement overcame whatever commonsense I might have had to suggest that we eat dinner before Circular Quay was filled with thousands of people who had come out for either the shows or just because it was Friday night. Because sure enough, by the time we were ready to finish freezing our fingers off and put the cameras away, there was nowhere close to sit down for a quick, easy and cheap meal that was going to satisfy everyone. Everyone was cranky and frustrated and when we finally found somewhere to eat, the meal took ages as the kitchen was running behind. The next day was little better.

I know you valiantly tried to give me some personal time with my sister by suggesting that her partner might want to grab a coffee with you but they do seem permanently joined at the hip sometimes and apparently didn’t want to split up. So I stayed home to clean in a pissy mood over something or other while you all went out for a sort of brunch and coffee where you felt a bit like a third wheel and were apparently equally as miserable as I was. After my parents eventually arrived, we tried to find lunch together but that was another awkward experience. Apart from the fact that they ran out of what I wanted to order, there was nothing my sister really wanted on the menu, the drink she did order was not what she expected at all and wasn’t actually to her taste and the vibrations in the floorboards were giving her flashbacks to the earthquake she experienced in Vanuatu! Since you and I also seem to find it difficult to share meals other than take out with her in our home, I have come to the conclusion that food is really not our friend! My parents are somewhat easier but when it came to dinner that Saturday night, they all ended up at my aunt and uncle’s place anyway because we had made prior plans.

So all in all, it was a rather long weekend. We came out of it at the end with new curtains in the living room though which as far as I am concerned was definitely a plus. And that is all I can think to write to you at the moment. It hasn’t all been smooth sailing (when is it ever?) but neither has it been a bad month even though you were job searching. If nothing else, since we have moved out West, we have been building our relationship as a couple with the neighbours who have known you as a bachelor for years. It seems that they have also adopted me now though as we have over the weeks spent hours with them and their kids. It seems to be a friendship that doesn’t stand on ceremony and we can be ourselves in their company which is definitely a refreshing change. A friendship where the conversation is not completely made up of recounting our days for a topic of conversation or exhausting all common ground but where there are stories and ideas and talk over life in general. I do feel a bit guilty about how many times they have fed us since it has been easier for us land on their doorstep at a moments notice (and stay) than it has been for them to pick up two children and land on ours but I’m sure we will work out a fair trade – I think we will have to start bringing more food with us!

Still yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken of the Opera House during the Vivid festival.

Month Twenty-Two

2011-05-31T15:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

I know that it shouldn’t surprise me after so many months of marriage but I still find myself occasionally at a loss when I discover that we are evidently not on the same page. And sometimes I am also left with the impression that we are not even in the same book. There were a few of those times over the past weeks. Particularly to do with our floors…

As is often the case I suppose when you move into a new home, especially one that you own, there are a number of things you have to sort out once you settle to make sure that everything is as you wish. For us, that involved getting all three bedroom floors sanded and polished. Not you’re your average domestic job polish though, no. Not even your commercial business grade polish was going to grace our floors either. If you are going to get something done properly, you reasoned that you may as well go the whole hog and therefore we got the industrial strength polish that you put on basketball courts! Which wasn’t actually a problem. I didn’t have a preference one way or the other. The issue only came when we were deciding what to put on said floors and more to the point, when.

Can I just say dear husband that this was the most um…precious…that I’ve ever seen you. Not even for the wedding did you fuss over one single thing as much as you’ve fussed over those floors. And it didn’t let up. During our first couple of days living in the house I heard “have you been taking your shoes off before walking on these floors” which sounds remarkably like a question (if you were to put a question mark at the end of it that is) but you had more of an exclamation mark really which made it what you thought was a cunningly disguised “I can’t believe you’ve been walking on those floors in your shoes – I hope you haven’t ruined them”. Then, when I was finally given permission to put furniture in direct contact with the floorboards, especially in the spare bedrooms, there were a number of variations on a theme. “Have you put felt on the bottom of that stand?”. “I hope you’re padding all the legs before you put them down”. “Make sure you’re protecting the floor from the end of that power cord so it doesn’t make scratches”. I swear, you had me figuratively and literally tip toeing around the floorboards!

And then there was the time you walked up the hall and said “you’re not planning on putting rugs down in those rooms are you”, fully assuming that my answer would be in the negative and your coveted floors would remain untainted by the smothering nature of the common rug. Unfortunately for you my answer was not “definitely not, I would never cover those beautiful floors” but more a “duh, of course I am”. What did you think I was going to do with the rug that we already own? Were you not listening to any of the conversations we had where I said floorboards make the rooms too cold in winter when they’re not covered? Did you not listen when I repeatedly said that I prefer to have carpet or some sort of covering underfoot rather than bare floorboards? Evidently. I agreed to get floorboards in the house only in the bedrooms because I knew I wouldn’t spend most of my time in the house living on them. I go to our bedroom to sleep and I am far less likely to spend hours in the spare room (which is currently our wardrobe) or the study (which has no power points and therefore no heater). I suppose in summer that I would be open to removing any rugs to the garage but I thought you’d like that rugs in the house would be protecting the floors. Or were we only supposed to protect them for the first couple of weeks and after that they can get scratched without impediment by normal wear and tear?

So the floors have been a bit of a touchy (or perhaps that was No-Touchy!) subject. There were a few other things however that ended up being more hassle than they should have been like the laundry taps. Now unfortunately for us, our laundry taps leaked. Not your slow, dripping kind of leak however but as you were aware, more of your turn-your-back-for-an-instant-and-we’ll-flood-your-laundry-AND-your-kitchen kind of leak. There was no way we were hooking up our washing machine without the assistance of a plumber. So you called around. You’re a big believer in the whole “there must be someone who can do it cheaper” mentality so you researched our best option. Now I don’t have any issue with this. I like saving money. I also however like clean underwear. I think I asked you a couple of times over the first week if you had found someone yet and eventually you replied with something like “oh yeah, I found someone the other day who could do it – did you want me to go ahead and book the job?”. Is the Pope catholic? Of course I want my laundry taps fixed. And does it really matter what time the plumber comes over? Damn Skippy it does if its going to be any time up until the end of the weekend. The whole point of getting them fixed is so that I can do the washing so yes, book the plumber because clearing our laundry baskets is not really a half hour type of job. In the end it was like a several hours type of job but then, O the Joy, I have a clothesline!!

That weekend I think I was in love with our clothesline. You thought I was weird and the neighbours thought I was nuts but you don’t understand because I don’t think you’ve done more than three loads of laundry in the last three years. When I wash things now, I can get them dry in the sun. I don’t have to cram king bed sheets into the dryer and wait for ages while the exhaust results in tropical rainforest conditions in the laundry making it appear that the walls themselves are perspiring before permeating the rest of the unit with a dampness that I’m sure wasn’t healthy. This whole having a clothesline that sees direct sun for hours on end thing is awesome. Simple things amuse simple minds I suppose. Which is why we’re so perfect for each other.

Every so often dear husband, you come out with a pearler. I remember when we first started living together, we had a quote wall in the house and many of the sentences on there were yours. When you are relaxed, you rarely hold back but now that we’ve been married a while it seems there is a whole new level to what you are quite happy to let hang out there. On this particular occasion I was trying to get to sleep but every minute or so you would vigorously scratch your scalp which, during the quiet of the evening when most of the lights are out and everything else that makes noise (apart from our ancient fridge) has been turned off, is irritatingly noisy. Since my patience has plenty of bounds when I am trying to get to sleep and you were really ticking me off I told you sternly to stop scratching as it was too loud. You immediately rolled over to face me though and with the most innocent and earnest of looks on your face you told me no…“my scratch is really quiet, much like my farting”.

Quite.

Other than that, this month you also celebrated a birthday. As per your request, it was with little fanfare (which was allowed only because your next birthday is a milestone birthday). I figure that any birthday ending in “0” deserves something at least a little bit special. Although there was still a sort of party since you happen to be born on the same day as one of my cousins who was celebrating her 21^st that night. I do thank you however for giving up your birthday dinner so we could go and wish her well.

And the final thing that it would be remiss of me not to mention is that this month you became no longer employed. The corporation finally got their way and after setting you up with every KPI they could possibly think of that fell within the bounds of “legal”, they got to pay you out with four weeks notice because you didn’t meet their wildest expectations. The fact that you still did the job better than most of their remaining employees who can’t meet those KPI’s either was not the point. Their other employees didn’t ask questions (and probably brownnose a little more) so they are apparently more fun to have around. This means that you are currently looking for work again which I must say, fills me with mixed emotions. I know that your previous job was a bad fit for you and you were really unhappy. I can see how much more relaxed you are now that you have that weight off your shoulders which is great. On the other hand however, we have just signed a mortgage (and as luck would have it fobbed off all the attempts to sell us income protection). We’re not in dire straits or anything yet by any means but we can’t afford to live on my salary alone and I’m concerned that things are going to get worse before they get better. You are confident that you will be able to walk into something within a couple of weeks (and if you didn’t care what you did, I’m sure you could) but we both want for you to find something you want to do and last time, that took a little longer. I hate to be a glass half empty kind of wife but you have never suffered fools gladly and that doesn’t seem to leave a whole lot of other options out there. I’m trying to have faith and be supportive though, really, I am.

On the plus side though, now that you’re not starting work at stupid o’clock in the morning on the other side of Sydney, I get to wake up later and I have also been able to receive a lift to and from the train station each day. You have been waking up each morning with me and throwing on a jumper and ugg boots before getting in the car to drive me so I don’t have to take the bus. The fact that you’re still in your PJ’s is not a big deal because hey, you’re not getting out of the car till you’re back home and your PJ’s look kind of like casual clothes anyway (at times, they probably are). No one else has to know. I had to smile the other day however because when you dropped me off, the lady driving the car in front of us got out to kiss her son goodbye…in flannel pyjamas, velvet slippers and a polar fleece dressing gown. We’re sure living in the west now baby! You keep telling me that you had no idea before we got hitched that you were marrying such a bogan so I tell you this, I promise that if I ever have to drop you at the train station at 7am in the middle of winter, I’ll leave my terry-towelling robe at home.

All class and all yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo of the cake that my cousin wanted for her 21st. Not quit what I would have chosen for you dear but it tasted nice!

Month Twenty-One

2011-04-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

I am sure that years from now we will look back on this month and remember it as only a minorly stressful period in our lives. We may romanticise the time that we moved into our very first home and fondly remember sharing this part of our lives together. We probably won’t remember the hours we spent wandering around Bunnings when you were (I assume) imagining the vast and glorious and I just wanted to leave so I could have dinner before 9pm for once. We were either blessed or cursed by having both the 1st and the 2nd largest stores in the country in the local vicinity of our rented residence and our bought home respectively. It turned out to be double trouble I think. I was very happy to have been able to reorganise my pantry and the tape gun was definitely useful whilst packing and all, but one can easily suffer from too much choice (and not enough money). My stomach did.

So this month we managed to move into our house. Just. After our plans to settle before Good Friday fell through of course since we were apparently inconveniencing the other party’s conveyancer who had an extra, extra, extra long weekend planned (why she couldn’t be happy with the Anzac holiday and the Easter holidays rolled into one I don’t know). We less than politely declined their offer to charge us well above market rent to take possession early but this did then mean that moving was a bit more of a rushed job than we would have liked. We technically had more time to pack, sure, but in the long run, we really just had less time to finish all the loose ends at our old place. This therefore contributed to the Misplacement Of Possessions Predicament also known as Packing By Slackers.

Now the packing started out really well. Since I was so good at it last time, you graciously said that I could have the whole job this time as well which sounds suspiciously like a cop out but at least it meant that we’d probably know where everything was at the other end. I started packing carefully so I could sort out boxes of things to be kept that didn’t require unpack at the new house and boxes of things that really should have been kept together in the first place. I culled a little along the way but it was a slow process. Or maybe it was me that was slow because when it came to move day, I wasn’t ready. There was still stuff in every room of the house. The big stuff was all sorted but it was all those little bits and pieces of non-essential paraphernalia (like our collection of hotel soaps and lotions) that should have gone in the bin mixed up with important small items (such as the remote control for the stereo system) which needed to be kept handy. We had helpers on moving day, which was fantastic naturally, but once other people started putting those things in boxes, I lost track of where everything was. Like your razer. Which we still haven’t found. I also had no idea we owned so much!

I’m sure people say this every time they move. As soon as you have to start reaching towards the back of the drawer or the top of the cupboard, you find all those long forgotten things you stashed for that very bizarre reason – I want to have it but I don’t want to see it again. And it appears that must have had a lot of those dark corners because we certainly have a lot of possessions and a multitude of clothes and we can’t possibly need all of it. I don’t even know where it all came from. And then there was just more of it! I thought when we loaded up the truck, the bus and the cars that we had shifted everything in a day but when we went back on Sunday to repair the hole you put in the wall, I found there were still more boxes to pack and move! Almost all of it came to the house with us too so the next trick will be finding everything a home in the cottage with no cupboards (well, not in any of the bedrooms at least). Unless of course we can agree on an internal storage solution which may simplify the process. Agreeing may not be so simple though.

I seem to recall last time we moved that the placement of furniture and possessions was a bit of a contentious issue. This time has certainly been no different. You would most likely be forgiven for thinking that the world’s future rested on where precisely we decided to place the new flat screen television (hurrah for the housewarming gift to ourselves which is the first TV we've ever actually bought) and sofas in our living room since it was such a heated discussion. I apparently had “so many” conditions as to where things had to be placed. This of course was an exaggeration of the Neanderthal counting system “one, two, many…” as my “conditions” numbered a sum total of two.

Firstly, I didn’t want the tv to be placed in front of the window. My windows are small enough that I don’t much fancy hiding any of them and it’s awfully difficult to exert the occasionally Herculean effort of prising them open if you can’t reach the hand holds! And secondly, I want the tv to be against something rather than in the middle of a room by itself for the very simple reason that our neighbourhood friends have a three year old and a 10 month old. The old tv was so fat that it could not be pushed over so much as off of something... with effort, but the new tv is so flat that all its going to take is an excited child tearing through the house or someone catching a bunch of cords as they walk past and that tv is going down. I am not that precious that I am paranoid about children touching the tv (I assume they will) but I did think it was only prudent that we minimise the likelihood that it will get broken before we've even had much of a chance to enjoy using it.

Cautiously yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo of a really good bottle of wine we had on our anniversary last year and incidentally one of the photos that you made me take so I could throw out all the extraneous wine bottles we had about the flat when I was packing to move.

Month Twenty

2011-03-31T16:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

Well this last month certainly has been a notable one for us. Not necessarily “eventful” as I think we more had the feeling that things were not happening rather than progressing at full speed but it wasn’t a month where you could say that nothing much happened either. Most of this was obviously to do with the house.

For the first part of the month as you will recall, we were not being pre-approved for a home loan with the expediency that one might wish from a bank. As others have advised us however, we were dealt with in precisely the delayed fashion that most institutions employ with their clients. Stupid banks. Then we were not being approved for Mortgage Lenders Insurance without jumping through hoops which was very frustrating. Partly because we were putting off getting the house inspected till we knew the expense was worthwhile and partly because it was actually hard for us to jump through those hoops for good reason. Stupid employers. Then of course there was the return of the building report which was really what we should have considered “good” in that the electrical was satisfactory, the plumbing was satisfactory and there was no structural or termite damage visible. Its often easier to focus on the negative however so I was seeing all the things that were not good and was having visions of living in a house where you can’t run a heater and the oven at the same time without tripping a circuit or have a shower for more than five minutes without it going cold. Stupid me? Time will tell…And then there was the end of the cooling off period where we were not paying the deposit because the bank apparently can’t wire money after 4pm. I didn’t figure out till the next day of course that I could have simply transferred the money as both accounts were with the same bank!...That kind of was a stupid us…

So for most of this month, there was a lot of stress and frustration around things not happening and also around how we would manage everything if it did end up happening. How would we solve the wardrobe solution? Where would we put all the furniture? What would be first on the list to buy? It seems we have some very different ideas on those questions. I see you looking at all sorts of things on the internet like shade cloth and outdoor lights and I’m thinking that is so not important and is so far down on my list that its not even really on the list in the first place. I have a few more pressing concerns like the damp under the house and home and contents insurance. You come up with all these “nifty” ideas and my first thought is where on earth are you going to find the money for this? Which is apparently yet another example of me not supporting your ideas or letting you dream. So that just frustrates both of us as well. Which is why we needed a break.

Last year around this time when we were both unemployed and therefore did not have the disposable income to splash around, we went down to Beechworth with my parents and a group of their friends to drink wine. This year whilst in the middle of buying a house which therefore meant we did not have much disposable income to splash around, we did exactly the same thing. I see a pattern happening here…hopefully its not a bad one. It has been said to many a man though that a happy wife means a happy life but I think in terms of our sanity as a couple, its really important for you to be able to chill out. As it happens, in Beechworth and around this group of people seems to be one of the few places that you can really do that. You get to leave Sydney and drink lots of wine and hang around with people who have all been there and done that in terms of the major life experiences that you want for yourself and you are in your element. I in turn get some time to wander around taking photos and not be the centre of your attention socially. Win-win.

But then of course we came back to Sydney, back to work and back to day-to-day life. I continue to worry about how you’re going at work because I’m seeing some of the same things as when you were at your last job. Its definitely not as bad as your previous role which was seriously affecting your health but its still not good. I don’t know what to say though. If I try to get you to focus on the good things to get by, you point out all the times that they’ve done you wrong. If I try and get you to see it from their point of view you think I’m telling you to just bend over and take whatever they throw at you. I suggest that maybe you play their game and not get them offside and you start throwing your weight around citing legislation and contracts. I can see your point of view. I can. I know you want to work for a company that you respect. I know that you are willing to work hard and think that hard work should be recognised. I know you hate their double standards (we don’t mention yours). But I also know that pride comes before the fall.

I thought I was better than my last boss. I thought the way I was treated by management, at least in part, was unfair. I thought they completely misrepresented their desires and intentions to me. I thought they didn’t offer support where it was warranted and that some of their expectations were in fact unreasonable. I thought I could hide my attitude which was in equal parts a self-righteous sort of contempt, a frustration at feeling powerless and a deep unhappiness. I was wrong. And I lost my job because of that. Now it all worked out for the best because I was not what they wanted, obviously, and I love the job that I have now but I am scared that the same thing is going to happen to you very soon and we are going to be locked into a mortgage that we can’t afford. The job market seems a little better at the moment but I still don’t want either of us to end up unemployed. Hopefully that won’t happen.

And hopefully everything goes smoothly with the house. We settle next month and will need to move as well which is never a pleasant experience but I will try to communicate a little more effectively and perhaps you can try to be a little more patient with me.

In hope and ever yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at Gracebrook on our Beechworth weekend away.

Month Nineteen

2011-02-28T16:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

This was a hard month for me. It was also hard for you by proxy I guess but I got a few truths handed to me this month that were necessary although I’m still not quite sure what to do with them. I think it’s a good thing on the whole. You can’t work on things unless you know what they are but it was difficult for me to realise I can’t keep ignoring the bits of the puzzle that don’t fit and I’m sure that was also very difficult for you to hear…

This month I met with the life coach at work. It was part of my KPI’s for my role and the original intention for the session was to identify where I want to be in my career and paths that I could take to get there. At least that’s what I wanted to discuss. I did the questionnaire before the session to identify my character strengths which didn’t hold too many surprises for me and it was all good. As soon as I sat down though, I think I started to feel defensive or unsure or…something not all that comfortable. I think I normally do such a good job of telling myself (and everyone else for that matter) that I have all my crap together but I know as soon as anyone takes a closer look or tries to crack the surface that I’m just going to fall to pieces. And I did. Big time.

Within about 20-30 minutes, I was having an increasingly hard time keeping the tears at bay and by the end of the session (where we were definitely not talking about work), lets just say that if I had been wearing eyeliner, I would have looked like a panda. Now as I write this, I am struggling with how to express what I want to say accurately without throwing it out of proportion or giving the wrong impression. Which may well happen anyway because I know from experience that we tend to interpret language quite differently. One of the things that came out of the session for me for example was that in some respects, I don’t feel supported. Would I then say that “you are unsupportive” however? Emphatically not. When I am obviously down or struggling with something then you are always willing to help or to try and understand but at other times the situation is quite different.

If I come home and put on a load of washing before folding the washing that is dry and then do the washing up, all whilst you are sitting on the couch surfing the net, I can deal with that. Those jobs are “my jobs”. When you later get up to cook dinner however and ask if I want to help after I have sat down to watch television, well I resent being made to feel lazy when I say “no”. Preparing dinner is “your job” and since you were relaxing whilst I was working at my job I see no reason why the situation cannot be reversed. I think when we spoke about this however, you saw more of the black and white of the situation and came up with the conclusion that “I [you] am unsupportive” anyway.

Another thing that kind of shook me was to realise for the first time that sometimes I don’t feel free. That’s kind of a profound statement when you realise that you have just said out loud “I’m not free” to another person. Once again though, I feel that I need to qualify that statement lest it be misunderstood. I do not feel as a result of that statement that I am therefore trapped. Nor do I feel that I am restricted or on a leash per se but I feel like I disappoint you if I want to do something that doesn’t involve you or attend something to which you were not invited. I feel under pressure to entertain and amuse you at times and I feel resentment from you when I am reading a book or working on my photos (pastimes that tend to exclude you). I feel expected to ask permission for personal time and time with my family and as much as I am blessed with your care for my person I am also burdened by your fear for me should I ever be out in the evening without you. I tiptoe around you when I know that something I want is not going to fit in your neat little box of behaviours. I make decisions based around how not to rock the boat and create an unpleasant home environment and I excuse behaviour to family and friends to smooth things over. As a matter of course, I don’t think I should have to do that.

And I think more and more that I am starting to push back. I back down less than I used to at the beginning of the marriage and I don’t engage with some of the situations that come up like I did previously. I also don’t let you manipulate me as frequently either. I would like to point out here that I don’t think the manipulation thing is as insidious as it may sound. I freely admit that I manipulate you from time to time and within reason, I am not offended if you do the same to me but when it ceases to be the gentle coercion or nudge towards the desired outcome through positive feelings and is more a shove with guilt or other negative emotions, that is not cool. I love you and I want to be with you and none of this has made me even consider walking away but I am not happy and something needs to change. Whether that’s you, me or both of us, I don’t know. I now think I need more tools to deal with everything though.

Change is never an easy thing and I know that this won’t just get better overnight. I also know that change might be a while coming because we have discussed all of the above at various times in the past and also on the evening that this came to a head for me. Many times you have promised that you are working on making things better because you have recognised in yourself things that you want to change but that’s very difficult for me to see. I remember thinking maybe things will change once we’re engaged and not just dating. Maybe things will change when we’re married and not just engaged. Maybe things will change once we have a house and a family. But given my experience, maybe they won’t. Maybe those are excuses not to deal with something. I’m scared that we’ll get to the point that we have a house and a family and I’ll need more support so I don’t fall to pieces but it won’t be there.

At the moment I feel like the one who has the steady job and I feel like I’m the one that always makes sure theres enough money to pay the bills at the end of the month. I see all the times that you buy beer and coffee that I don’t drink or times that you invite people over and offer 3 courses when 1 would do and its frustrating when on top of that you want to eat out or buy something for which there is really no money. I hate saying no to you so I feel like I say no to myself a lot and its draining. Maybe because I’m the one that deals with the accounts day-to-day, you don’t understand that over the last few months, it hasn’t been unusual to get down to about $30 to our name before the next pay cheque comes into the account. Maybe we need to redress the budget so you have spending money and I have spending money and therefore if you don’t have enough to buy beer, you just can’t buy it. I don’t know what the answer is.

I don’t know what the answer is for any of this. Whatever it is though, I know its not something I can decide by myself. This is my side of what is a complex situation that is emotionally charged. I know that I am not without my own faults and whilst I feel what I feel, I may not have been as fair to you as I should have been. I do think that we should be able to work on this together and I hope that we can make it better. Especially as it seems that we may have a house sooner rather than later…

With everything else that we were going through this month, the house hunt was still going ahead at the same time which brought a whole different set of frustrations. Mostly stemming from the fact that we never sat down and worked out “the list”, which you never asked me about even though you knew I had a personal wish list and I never offered, probably because I thought you should have asked me for it. Dumb, I know. Especially when you made assumptions like I would like a pool when that was pretty much at the top of my list of reasons not to look at a property. Anyway, we spent some of the hottest days all summer checking out houses that were both fair and foul in the west until we finally found something to which we kept returning. Since we were also in discussions with family as to whether they would be able to help us out if we wanted to buy our first home (which was slightly uncomfortable for most) we eventually figured out that all going well, we would be able to do it. At the end of the month therefore, we put an offer in on a house. And immediately felt like little kids trying to play in the big leagues. Who knows what the future will bring in regards to this but it is a bit exciting so fingers crossed it all works out well.

In hope and love yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at a cafe we went to for lunch - just to prove we had happy times this month!

Month Eighteen

2011-01-31T16:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

So sue me, I cheated this month. Not on you of course! Never that – just to make that perfectly clear at the outset and all. I only cheated on the letter. You see I never wrote anything down in January and I never wrote anything down in February either so when I eventually sat down to figure out something to write for this month, I didn’t have a clue what to say. The date of the posting is not really the date I wrote this at all…

And theres no excuse really because its not like January was even that busy. There was a return to work after the days off where we ate too much food and did not enough exercise (the extent of which I realised when I went back to the gym and was sore for a couple of days!). There was also the ease into the new year and the gathering of some momentum in regards to the things I wanted to accomplish in 2011 but apart from that, I draw a blank.

I remember a few of the things we did in January. I remember that early in the month, we went to a naming day for a friend at which I was being the official photographer. I was slightly stressed that day about getting good shots as posed family photos for at least five different sets of people were required. You helped keep me grounded though in addition to setting up the backdrop and keeping things running smoothly. You’re very good at that. You also helped two weeks later when we took some outdoor family portraits for a couple with an infant. You were carrying on behind me in order to make the little girl smile which worked marvellously as we got some awesome photos on the day.

I remember that in the middle of the month we took a trip up to the mountains so I could attend a baby shower for one of our friends whilst you went to do some man-bonding with all the left over blokes. This was a good day. I got to catch up with some girls that I hadn’t seen in a while but then I remember that I started feeling a little light-headed towards the end of the day and I was looking forward to chilling out on the way home until you came back to say “you’re right to drive home aren’t you? I’ve had a few drinks”. That irritated me as I recall. I suppose I should have figured that you would drink (and therefore I would have to drive) but I am so used to you asking me if its ok first and since we were there because I was invited and generically you like to drive up to the mountains, I assumed you’d be ok to drive home. And then you weren’t. Sigh.

The last thing I remember was that at the very end of the month, we went down to Canberra to be models for my sister’s mock wedding shoot. We got all dolled up in our wedding clothes again and got made over so we could pretend to be newlyweds for a couple of photographers. I now know why I never wanted to get married in summer. Holy crap was it hot! It was great to get a couple of really nice photos taken of us (and it was lovely to know that I actually still fit into my wedding dress) but I was practically dripping by sunset. Everything was sticking to me. The dress to my legs, my hair to my back. Even my fake eyelashes were sticking together. How very attractive. At least I got some wear out of the dress and shoes again though.

And that’s all I can remember really.

Forgetfully yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at Mirozozo.

Month Seventeen

2010-12-31T15:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

What can you say in December other than its Christmastime again. It is of course not “Christmas” for the whole month but it plays such a big part of this time of year with figuring out when you’re going to take leave (or what you are going to do with it), when you are going to see family and what presents are you going to buy people etc. All of which usually result in a number of discussions where we are concerned.

For a while we have known that for the company that practically reinvented Santa, their Christmas spirit does not really extend to granting leave to their employees at the end of the year. We have known that when it suited them, they were more than willing to point out that you were employed by the temp agency (not them) so they didn’t really owe you anything but likewise, when it suited them (around the time you would have had to put in a leave form), they were more than happy to point out that they believe you owe them exactly what all their actual employees do (which is a bum on a seat at Xmas) or you could take a hike. Now I understand that this is their busiest time of year but it didn’t exactly imbue us with a warmth of feeling towards them. Any job where you feel you actually want to avoid the Christmas party doesn’t really help you tick the boxes that identify the perfect job either…Anyway, you couldn’t get one day off, end of discussion, whilst my work was pressuring me to take the leave because it was hardly worth paying me to be here was it? When anything that couldn’t wait could easily be accomplished by someone else who really did need to be in the office, why bother paying me to be there at all? But all this was relatively straightforward if not annoying. Family and presents were a little more complicated.

Now without any disrespect meant, it is both a blessing and a curse (to me) that your family doesn’t have a tradition of doing the big family Christmas. Since we have been together, we have never denied either of your parents in order to spend Christmas with mine which has worked out well for me because I enjoy spending Christmas with them. The downside is however that since you have never been used to that, you find my family overwhelming and more keenly notice the physical absence of your own. I don’t like seeing that so much. I think this year was a little better though as we actually planned several catch ups with your family for meals before Christmas day.

What was interesting this year though was buying the presents. Usually you baulk at the idea that I would spend money on each of my family members at Christmas, the cumulative total of which is into the hundreds. You have seemed to view this as somewhat of a waste considering that you’d be happy for their company but would much prefer to spend that sort of money on yourself and not exchange gifts at all. You viewed presents as a chore (which I will admit, shopping for them can be) and not a pleasure which they sometimes are when truly appreciated. I’m kind of used to this though and so occasionally will try and circumvent the issue by just telling you after I’ve bought something for someone. You don’t seem to think about it as much if you’re not with me when I buy something but this year, we spent more on your relations than we did on mine! We had a couple of wins too I think. Sure, sometimes you give a gift and someone likes it enough to make use of it once before it gets relegated to a shelf somewhere to gather dust but occasionally you hit on things that are really useful as well as appreciated. I don’t think that this has in any way convinced you to go all out on presents next year but just maybe, I am slowly chipping away at your inner Grinch.

Merrily yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken of the flaming christmas pudding at christmas lunch.

Month Sixteen

2010-11-30T15:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Husband,

This was a month in which work was very much on our minds but for you I think, whilst the personal work was going really well, the business work has not been going so well at all. Despite the fact that you assure me that you don’t come home and unload everything on me that you might wish, I have known that you have been struggling not insignificantly for a while now. I have heard all about the loud mouth you sit next to at work who would seem to have a pretty good shot at the title of dumbest person on the planet, if not the most obnoxious. I have heard all about the apparent values of truth, equality and honestly which are expected from the staff as a whole but do not appear to be practiced by the management themselves and I have heard how communication tends to go one way – them to you.

God forbid you should ask them why they have done something. They would have to go out and employ a team of contractors to do an independent study that would then need to be filtered through upper management to determine its appropriateness for wider dissemination amongst the general staff! Don’t you know that this sort of thing is very expensive and quite probably a waste of quality resources that could be spent propelling the company into a brighter and stronger future? Shame on you for entertaining such a selfish thought. You are either for the company or against them and if you are going to spout anti-establishment rhetoric and attempt to rally the crew into a mutiny for personal gain (which is not really a possibility because clearly you’re not one of “them” so why would they give you the time of day) then you had best have a hard think about why you are making them put up with you and when you come to the right conclusion, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

At least that’s the impression you’ve given me.

It has become obvious that they are not really a fan of questions as evidenced by the number of different stories you are told by people from whom you are seeking answers. Everyone has something different to say. And when one person finds you have been speaking to another, they seem to take it as personally offensive, as if they are not good enough for you, which, if you can’t completely trust them, I guess they’re not. They claim to care for the individual yet blithely assume that fairness need only take into consideration the elements that suit them at the time. You have the same number of calls to make as your team members but work fewer hours than each of them by executive order of the temp agency. Whats unfair about that? Statistically some of the team members are not pulling their weight but the rest of the team is required to stay back and pick up the slack regularly. How could you possibly complain? You came into work earlier than everyone else because you needed to leave on time but have been asked to stay working until the last person has finished their work. What makes you think that you ought to get special treatment? You should feel privileged to be expected to do more work than everyone else in the team! Go team.

I’m sure the above is only one part of the picture but I know that it frustrates you greatly because when your day-to-day experience of a company is how many ways can they contradict themselves, it doesn’t instil a lot of confidence or imbue a high level of respect going forward. Which is a shame cause you actually like what you do. At least you come home and tell me about your clients with whom you get along like a house on fire and its clear that you have been able to pick up this job with ease. I believe you have also gained the respect of employees not in your actual team but these things apparently play second fiddle to the popularity contest (or hotbed of incestuous brownnosing) that is your workplace. I don’t know how this will all play out but I really hope that it gets better.

As for our little photography business, we seem to be doing ok. We had a paid commission this month and it seems we’ll have referrals from it as well which is nice. The website has gone in leaps and bounds since you set it up and worked out how to get all the email addresses and orders working properly. I know I have thanked you for all the hours you’ve spent swearing to yourself and stuffing around on the computer but I just want to say again that I do appreciate it. I’m still not sure that I want to turn this into anything more than a hobby business as it might stop me enjoying actually taking photos but it has been great to have the website to show people.

Appreciatively yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at Sculptures By The Sea at Bondi.

Month Fifteen

2010-10-31T15:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

This month was my birthday month. And that really doesn’t worry me. At least it doesn’t yet. I don’t feel old and I’m reasonably comfortable with who I am so I don’t think I’m running out of time to make that next crucial step in my life that was given some arbitrary due date in my head. You on the other hand I sometimes worry about. Recently you have been pouring a lot of energy in looking for houses to buy like you’re running out of time. You have been getting really excited when you find something and then in turn disappointed when you find properties that get taken or are already under offer. If we were actually in the market for a house I would understand this behaviour a little more but as we are not (unless I missed the memo somewhere), I am slightly baffled by this.

I always imagined that eventually I would own my own home or at least an investment property. I imagined too however that I would be able to live in a place that I could be comfortable and still within an hours commute to work. Were we living in Canberra as opposed to Sydney, I’m pretty sure that number would be halved but still, a commute that was considered “reasonable”. I am not in a rush however to have something now, nor do I wish to compromise to a 2 hour commute just to own a place with a yard and an extra bedroom or two. I would be more than happy to rent for the next couple of years as we saved a deposit so we didn’t have to max our selves out now but it seems you are not. It also seems that you are just running from one thing to another without a really clear idea of where you want to end up.

You know I struggle with the idea that I always come across as the killjoy or the nay-sayer but from where I sit, there is something that really doesn’t make sense. You want to buy a house desperately and I have seen you play with online calculators and such but you don’t actually know what our borrowing power is. You’ve not even approached a bank or a mortgage lender and you do not know what conditions would be placed upon the final amount as we do not currently have a deposit. How can you seriously look for a house before you know this information? And if you’re not seriously looking for a house, why does it work you up so much? I’m not having a go, I just don’t understand. But then I’m sure I do things that are completely indecipherable to you just as you react to other things sometimes that don’t make sense to me. Now I am back to my birthday again.

As always (or in the years that I’ve known you), you want to make my birthday into the best one I’ve ever had. And I’m flattered that you want to make the effort. I get that you want to do something really great for me. I also know you get all these elaborate plans in your head and you tend to take what I ask for with a grain of salt because you’re pretty sure you must be able to make it better (which is frustrating but I’m learning to live with it). What kind of confused me was why you got so cross when some people couldn’t make it. Ok, so some people was 5 out of 9 which is over half but there was an expecting couple who lived an hour and a half away and another couple who we knew might have issues on the night. My cousin was unexpected but apparently it was an emergency. You seemed to take it personally however whilst I was totally fine. I got what I asked for which was to go out to dinner with people.

Its really hard sometimes and probably a little unfair to think that I wish you could be happier for me occasionally. Another thing I struggle with in Sydney is not having the support network that I used to before I moved cities or my friends did. I no longer have any girlfriends I can just call up to hang out with on the weekends (or evenings) any more so when I get an opportunity to do something (which has not been all that often in our history at all), I really look forward to it. My birthday was an occasion that we shared this month but it just so happened that there were also two evenings that I got to be part of some girls nights as well. Which was great except for the feeling that you really didn’t want me to go and the feeling like I was putting you out by making you wait to pick me up (because you refuse to let me take the train home by myself and so hang out just so you can be ready when I am). I know that you want me to be happy and you want me to be able to enjoy myself – for me. It totally sucks however when I know full well that you don’t want the exact same things (ie my having a night out) for what that means for you. I am a grown adult and I really don’t like feeling as though I need to ask permission lest I upset the apple cart at home.

So this month has maybe been one that highlights that there are a few things we need to be working on at the moment. For all that it seems quite negative so far though, it really wasn’t a bad month. In fact it was a great month as towards the end of it, we got to go away to the Queensland and the Hyatt Hotel in Coolum for a couple of days. Ok, so it was a work conference for me, you only got to come to one of the social events and I stupidly burnt myself to a crisp so you had to play nursemaid but it was a well deserved break and we did get to hang out together. We got to relax in a great room and linger over leisurely breakfasts (courtesy of my company) and sit by the pool and you also got to admire the first class golf course. In addition we even got to spend time with your Uncle and his family.

Just as I am close with my sister, I think that you have found that sort of relationship with your uncle who is actually more peer to you than parent. It was nice therefore to see you unwind as you spent time with him and his wife and kids. It was also amusing to see you get your butt whipped in the water fight. I wasn’t about to be the only one on the losing end of a super soaker… We both got a hammering from the kids on the trampoline as well but it was well worth it as they’re great fun to be around. Our time ended all too soon though unfortunately. I’m sure we will be back up there next year however so you can have a rematch. And if we’re lucky it’ll be a little more than a flying visit.

Still and ever yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at the Coolum resort we went to for my work.

Month Fourteen

2010-09-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

This was a month for affirmative action. At least in terms of our health. I have no idea whether we will stick to it or whether in the long run it will really be worth it but I finally bit the bullet and joined a gym. And then I roped you into it as well.

Like most married couples I guess, we slimmed down before the wedding (I by walking and you by sheer angst I think – forget dieting, you worried yourself thin!) and then afterwards we relaxed and just, as that delightful phrase puts it, “let ourselves go”. Its not like we were actually on a diet before but after all the crap that hit the proverbial fan after we were wed, our diet was progressively being made up of far more comfort foods than those offering actual nutritional value and neither of us were looking quite as trim as we had previously. That’s quite a diplomatic way of putting it isn’t it? Sounds a whole lot better than the love handles and thunder thighs seemed to be multiplying exponentially. Which they probably weren’t. Exponentially that is. That might be a bit of an exaggeration but still, it had been bugging me for a while that we were not what you could consider healthy and that was affecting other parts of our lives.

Both of us tend to lose motivation and self confidence when we are not on top of things. Your sleep patterns get more disrupted, I get more moody so then everyone’s unhappy and everything just gets worse. It was seriously a little scary when you ended up in hospital and you’d think that might have been a catalyst at the time for us to try and get into shape, especially as it was something that the doctors recommended for you but no. We went on as we had done before, ignoring what would actually have taken effort at the time. More and more though, we are around friends who are starting families and rather than making me super clucky as it seems to have done for you, I have been struck by the conviction that I do not want you to be the sort of dad who gets puffed out chasing a 2 year old. Nor do I want to get myself to the point where people start to wonder if I’m joining the baby bandwagon because I now have a bit of a belly. I don’t think I have any excuse at the moment for being lazy and not healthier than I am so I decided that enough was enough and I was joining the gym (and hoping that the ridiculous membership expense would actually make me use it).

I am also hoping that if I can actually maintain some sort of attendance level at the gym then you will at least feel a little guilted into going along as well. Maybe that’s a little unfair though because I didn’t make you join and you do actually want to get fit. On the other hand however, I think we both know that at least in the beginning stages, left to your own devices you will not motivate yourself to work out at all. You don’t like to be the one not contributing or doing their bit overall but you are rarely the person who starts the ball rolling. I sometimes find this hard because frequently I could use a little help to nudge me over the line. On my own, I would probably work out regularly either by going for a walk or doing a dvd at home but as soon as you come home and sit on the couch with the macbook on your lap, its all over grover. There is no way I’m motivated enough to put routine off and get you out of the way so I can jiggle with a little dignity in my own living room where I feel rather stupid jumping about.

Anyway, joined the gym we did and gone to punish ourselves we have. You even have gone as far as taking supplements both beforehand and afterwards which is impressive. Sure, there was a little hiccup at the beginning where we discovered the hard way that workout boosters with stupid amounts of caffeine are not the way to go for you at all. You get all together too excited shall we say and when your caffeine ingestion affects my sleep, I am not a happy camper. But you have since found something more natural which seems to suit the purpose and it hasn’t turned you into an obnoxious gym junkie with Invisible Lat Syndrome so I’m happy. Hopefully that’s the way we will both now stay. You know, in a perfect world and all.

Somewhat athletically yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken for a photo competition that I realy did mean to enter.

Month Thirteen

2010-08-31T19:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

What can I say about this month? I’m sure there were a number of things that happened or that I might consider noteworthy a number of years from now but right this instant, for the life of me, I cannot remember them. We spend our weeks at work and our weekends trying to come up with things to do that will fill them and then the process just repeats itself. We pass our spare time by shopping for antiques we’ll never afford, wandering around markets, occasionally watching the idiot box and generally trying not to spend more than we earn. Which doesn’t always work.

We had the good fortune recently to be invited to a new season gentlemen’s fashion launch that was the brainchild of one of our friends. You had been roped in to being a roving model beforehand so you were going to responsible for wandering around, looking ~~pretty~~ handsome and showing off the outfit that was selected for you. Which you did admirably, except for those few minutes when you appeared to hide during the speeches. All the models were there but one…Anyway, we knew there would be a lot of food and drink going around, especially as our friend had partnered with Makers Mark bourbon so we were both looking forward to the night. It was a great way to break up the working week and an excuse for me to frock up in a little black dress and big black high heels. Not that you should ever need an excuse for that…

I got there about 6ish and happily picked myself up a cocktail but I think you had gotten a head start on the night as you were also helping to prepare in the late afternoon. Which was fine for the most part as you’re not exactly bad at holding your liquor but somehow though, particularly when you get around a few of these guys, you do not necessarily shall we say “pace” yourself to the best of your ability. You schmooze, you laugh, you drink, you have vehement conversations about the craptastic fashions of the pantless poptart Lady Gaga and the suitability of the white suit for one whose main occupation is not that of pimp and then in the space of about five minutes, the mood swings from go to whoa and you want to leave. Now. Or five minutes ago really when everything was still great but you’ll settle for as fast as politely possible with the emphasis on now.

So we made our goodbyes and since you were apparently a little beyond getting changed at that point, I faithfully promised that I was sober enough to ensure the clothes that we were absconding with would be cared for (and returned) once they got out the door and then we left. I was all for catching the train home because I already had a ticket and a single for you would be just a couple of bucks but you nixed that as soon as we were on the street and we had to catch a cab. Fortunately you were fine to walk into the unit under your own steam but I knew I would only have about a 30 second window to get the clothes off you before you passed out on the closest soft surface you could find. Which you did and fortunately it was the bed. Then the next day, you called in sick. I went to work with a hangover but you called in sick, which as a temp, meant no pay. You did think you might have a touch of food poisoning as you couldn’t keep anything in your stomach, so I guess work wasn’t really an option at that point, but it still turned into an expensive night!

With some of the rest of the month however, I managed to balance the distribution of pain out perhaps and suffered from my own ailment. I ended up getting the mother of all carpet burns on one of my knees. Not that I’ve have much experience with carpet burn before or been around those who have but I assume this one was pretty bad cause it still has not healed and it hurt like a bastard initially. And by initially I mean the first couple of weeks. I was limping around everywhere feeling sorry for myself and aggravating your eardrums every time you accidentally bumped my knee in bed or when I tried to manoeuvre myself into the car but couldn’t quite keep my leg straight enough. There were several occasions where I accidentally made myself bleed and would utter one of the most unladylike sounds in my repertoire. You were quite unsympathetic about that but I guess it might have seemed a bit precious. It hurt though. And to add insult to injury, I wasn’t doing anything exciting when I got the carpet burn! It was totally self-inflicted because I wasn’t paying enough attention. I tripped over my own damned pyjama pants. Although, just so as you know, I am blaming a small part of my predicament on you because the only reason I got out of bed and was able to trip over is because you wanted to show me something on the completely portable laptop.

Painfully Yours,

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at our friend's season launch.

What To Expect Your First Year - Part Three

2010-08-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

Since you should it is said “start as you mean to go on”, you should then of course actually go on as it were so I thought I would elaborate on some of month three’s concerns. These were not sleeping through the night, sharing a room, sharing a bed and roughhousing. Taken slightly out of context, they look kind of interesting together. Or perhaps that was suggestive and to a certain extent, if you’d merely raised an eyebrow at me I’d know exactly what you mean so you may have a point. But once again these things struck me as subjects that I have considered previously.

Like the sleeping through the night thing. Basically because you didn’t regularly do it. Or rather I would consider that there was an above average occurrence of you not doing it. Everyone has nights when they wake up for no reason and I have had a couple of nightmares in my time sure, but that is more like a small number in my lifetime, or maybe in the last decade. Not the last fortnight. You are a lot better now than you were then though (either that or I sleep a lot deeper) because its not often anymore that I wake to you tossing around in bed and mumbling to yourself in a distressed fashion. I wish I could help more though.

Apparently however, sharing a bed and indeed the room actually does help you. Something about your subconscious adjusting and knowing that you are not alone maybe? For myself, the adjustment in sharing was more accepting I no longer have anywhere that I can legitimately kick you out of if I want “me” time. Except for the bathroom which doesn’t count. Not that I spend a lot of time either in the bathroom or kicking you out of places (or even having the desire to do so) but on the odd occasions when we are totally pushing each other’s buttons, the only real escape is outside and that usually causes more problems than it solves anyway…

And then after I had noted several of the listed "concerns" there was the “important to know” section for this month under which was listed “corporate day care”. Which I must say that I am largely in favour of in your case. Especially because when you scoot off to your global organisation each day, I know that they will occupy you for a large number of hours during which you cannot call me just to “chat” because you’re bored. Not that you chat really, as there seems to be more dramatic pauses than conversation over the course of our phone calls but I dislike personal calls without any real purpose whilst at work (in an open plan office) so keeping you occupied so that you don’t make them is a big plus in my book. It also saves money because your mobile bills are smaller and hey, they pay you for turning up as well. Awesome.

Perhaps selfishly yours,

Your Loving Wife.

Common Courtesy

2010-08-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

Can I just say thank you? Thank you for being someone that shows common courtesy. A trait which oddly enough, is not all that common nowadays. Thank you for being the kind of person who opens doors for women (because I do not subscribe to that feminazi bull crap about this being a statement on the frailty of women by a patriarchal society that thinks they can’t do it for themselves). Thank you for being the sort of person who will give up their seat on the bus for the pregnant and the elderly. And thank you for being the sort of person who thinks that “man-sitting” outside of your own home is completely inappropriate (and sometimes in the home for that matter). I wish one of the guys on my train thought that...

Honestly, there should be no reason for you to sit with your legs splayed out at 90 degree angles no matter what sex you are. Especially on the train in peak hour when the action involves you taking up two whole seats worth of space instead of one. Are your balls on fire Mister? Are you constantly trying to cool them down because they cannot possibly be that big. Not that I’ve tried to look, ewww, but I’ve seen you walk off the train at the same stop as I and I swear you would be having a lot more trouble walking straight if that was your deal. Maybe the stance is in preparation for you being able to quickly get your head right up your….well lets just say allowing for a completely introspective nature…Even so, I think you should grow up.

And don’t ever wear stubbies in summer. We have decency laws in this country!

So I just wanted to say thank you husband. Thank you for having manners and style and taste and for not being a complete pillock in public.

Gratefully yours,

Your Loving Wife.

PS. Thanks to Catherine Weaver for the image which I shamelessly stole from Gothamist because it was perfect.

What To Expect Your First Year - Part Two

2010-08-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

So when reading the contents of What To Expect Your First Year, there were some “concerns” in month two with which I could sort of identify. Month one seemed to be taken up with dealing with a new situation in general, which is quite understandable really because this is one of the most stressful things you can go through in life. Month two however was a little more geared towards actually relating to someone in that situation including a “difficult baby” and how do you “talk” to that baby. And Baby, can I just say now, you is sometimes way totally difficult and you makes me sometimes full on frustrated! And no, I didn’t just turn the grammar checker off. That sentence is grammatically incorrect on purpose because occasionally as you are aware, that’s pretty much how we might speak to each other.

I’m not quite sure how it happened but it seems we don’t even need a baby for baby talk! When we met, I think I used to sound reasonably intelligent most of the time but then we got together and something went slightly pear-shaped. Instead of doing the whole adopting horrible kitsch names for each other though such as Sugar Pie or Honey Bunch or worse yet, Snuggle Muffin (why are so many of these related to food!?!), we have started occasionally speaking to each other like three year olds who haven’t quite grasped the comprehensive use of verb conjugations or the correct application of the past participle. Its not that we can’t do these things (since your mother is an English teacher, I think she’d have shot you by now if you couldn’t) but often, we just don’t. I think that our marriage must be at least somewhat responsible for the apparent and ongoing retardation of our linguistic ability in relation to each other. Not that I really mind so much because I do think its kind of cute in an obnoxious sort of way but occasionally I forget that we’re in public and we start getting a few weird looks. Have we become one of those annoying couples that are way too comfortable amongst company? Is it bad that we dided that?

Ungrammatically On Occasion Yours,

Your Loving Wife.

What To Expect Your First Year - Part One

2010-08-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

So. Here we are, 52 + weeks down this path called marriage, but very much still at the beginning. I’m sure that some erudite scholar would deem that what we have together is still in its infancy stage and on that note, I’d have to agree. Especially since I have also found that being married to you has made me feel at times as though I have an infant. Albeit a big one. But that’s another story. In regards to our marriage though, I was warned I’m sure of certain things to expect going in, but like so many other aspects in life, you really just have to figure it out when you get there. There are occasionally however some guidebooks around to help you along the way. Out of curiosity and boredom the other day, I came across What To Expect Your First Year. Which would have been quite useful I’m sure if it actually had anything at all to do with matrimony, which it doesn’t. It is quite clear once you have gotten past the title that this book has precious little to do with marriage itself yet looking at the index, there are some curious correlations…

For the first month, some of the “concerns” listed were sleeping patterns and positions. In hindsight I can definitely identify with that. After we got married, all of a sudden I was sharing my bed with someone else every single night and I couldn’t just go back to sleeping by myself to get an uninterrupted night’s sleep. We each had to re-negotiate the long term positioning of limbs and figure out how far we could stretch out into someone else’s personal space before we were likely to cause a physical injury. Which doesn’t mean that I won’t still kick, slap, hit and thwack you every once in a while with a knee (unconsciously!) in a slightly inappropriate place thrown in for good measure of course (as you have delighted in telling me). Or that you don’t in return bean me in the head occasionally with your elbow (as I enjoy pointing out to you - how I have survived so far without a bruise I don’t know!) but I like to think that it doesn’t happen now as often as it might if we weren’t used to sleeping together.

Some other concerns for the first month were exposure to outsiders and coping with crying which oddly enough also struck me. Your social development seems to change once you get married. Its not the same for every couple I know but there is usually something that shifts. I am not the sort of wife who wants her new husband to stop speaking to other women and in fact I encourage you to maintain your personal friendships (whatever the sex of the other person) but when one or the other of us makes new friends, they quickly seem to become “our friends” to some extent and we often end up entertaining as a couple, if not with couples. That’s not to say that we don’t know some great single people but by tacit agreement, once we become married, its like we joined the ranks of some secret club. Now we know. I’m not sure what exactly we know but it seems whether you’ve been married for 50 minutes or 50 years, the jokes and insinuations start and you tend to gravitate towards those with whom you can share. Maybe theres just an identification with other people whom you know are living the promise to willingly stand by another that they understand will completely and utterly at some point in time try their patience to the point of distraction. Maybe that’s what you know?

As for the coping with crying thing, well I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I have since I got married and I’m pretty sure that you haven’t either. Which probably sounds quite horrible really although its not actually that bad. Although sometimes its not actually all that good either because not all the crying jags are brought on by those fluffy Hallmark or Huggies moments where you are supposedly emotionally enriched or deeply honoured. No, sometimes they come about when one of us just feels quite inadequate or we think the other is being a complete and utter tool. Or maybe that was when one of us feels inadequate because the other thinks we are a complete and utter tool? These occasions are usually when there is a lack of sleep involved or other pressures around as well but nine times out of ten in these situations, we have one of those pivotal discussions afterwards and we’re both better off and stronger for it. The rest of those times I’m probably just being overly susceptible to emotion or a big girls blouse and I’ve been coping with that just fine for the past 30 years.

And that theme has continued on throughout the previous year of marriage for us I think. Not the big girls blouse bit or even necessarily the coping bit because I don’t think of our marriage as merely something that has existed but the communication followed by the moving on to a better place bit. That is what I remember about our first year. That and I feel like I should have been running around with L Plates on my back. You, dear husband, frequently insist that I am the best wife ever but even though I think you’re biased and you don’t really have much of a frame of reference, I’m not sure how you can possibly think this. Its flattering nonetheless however and I hope that you never stop thinking that way.

Totally yours,

Your Loving Wife

Month Twelve

2010-08-07T23:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

Well its been 12 months now. 1 year. 365 days. 525,600 minutes…how do you measure a year in the life? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee, in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife? You know, as the song goes..? I believe I originally intended to have Seasons of Love playing as we entered the reception venue on our wedding day because it seemed like a nice sentiment at the time but like so many other things that Friday, it just flew out the window. What never flew out the window though and what I don’t want to ever let go of, is the conviction that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Even if you do annoy the crap out of me sometimes. And this month there were moments...

This last month contained all of the usual aspects of daily life such as work and home and sharing the balance of those with each other. I think we have been enjoying a good run at the moment too, being able to enjoy both which is always a blessing. The big event this month for us though was the Christmas in July. This was the first time that either of us had celebrated the un-holiday and despite only inviting 6 other people to share it with us, it was pretty huge if not slightly overdone. I think everyone had a great time but I also think we created slightly more headaches for ourselves than were necessary.

For starters, I am not afraid to admit it, you were right. For eight people, we did not need shortbread, mince pies, gingerbread, dips and cheese to feed people on top of turkey, ham, roast vegetables and steamed pudding with custard. The fact that I couldn’t get the size of cupcake tray that I wanted was not a big deal and I should have made it abundantly clear that I wanted to have certain ingredients more than one day in advance of the evening to prepare. Getting snippy at you certainly doesn’t help the situation or get anything accomplished. On the other hand, I do think that the 4 kilos of turkey plus the 4 kilos odd of ham was somewhat like overkill. 8 people do not need as much as a small African nation. Plus, if we ever do something like this again, you might want to remember that webbers always take longer than you think and therefore putting meat on to roast at 6pm is a bad idea because then you don’t eat until 9! Luckily for us, there was enough booze and food lying around beforehand such as the dips, cheese, shortbread, gingerbread and mince pies that it didn’t look like we were trying to starve our guests…

And I’m sorry for insulting Bing and his buddies who were warbling out Christmas carols as the pregame entertainment or background music, whichever way you want to look at it. They really weren’t that bad, I just would have liked a bit more of a mix with the other carols we had on CD. Leading up to the evening, I approached the subject of music several times and asked you specifically to put something together or let me do it and we didn’t end up with what I was looking for at all which was a bit disappointing. As for the Christmas lights and furniture layout etc., well I guess that didn’t quite work out exactly the way you wanted it to beforehand either. Not because you didn’t get to have everything the way you wanted cause you did but because I wasn’t overly enamoured about your decisions. You didn’t ask me what I wanted but what I thought after the fact which I though was rude and I said I liked it the way it was but I was fine if you left it rearranged which was just ungracious. We’ll both know better next time I guess. And I hope there is a next time. For all that were sniping at each other like cats and dogs leading up to the celebration, it was really nice to cook for friends and have them share an evening with us. It was a very grown up dinner party.

And speaking of all grown up, we just celebrated our first wedding anniversary. Which is perhaps not quite as grown up as celebrating your 30th anniversary but its still up there and I think ours was a day that we won’t soon forget. I knew leading up to it that you were obsessing about making it the best day ever. Ensuring that we would have a terrific time no matter what and really enjoy every aspect. The day would be fun, the hotel would be great and dinner would be fantastic. Or else. We eventually decided to stay somewhere we have stayed before so that was fine and through the hotel, we got to do a meet a cheetah experience which involved a visit to the zoo so that was all good too. Any day I get to wander round a zoo taking photos is a good day. The dinner part however was a little trickier.

When you were researching venues on the net (which was way more effort than I was initially considering) I submitted to you that as long as I got to spend the evening with you, I didn’t care where we were or what we ate. Which is a nice and romantic sentiment in theory apparently but it didn’t go down all that well since what you interpreted that to mean was I don’t care enough about what is important to you and I’d rather do things my way. We did make plans to head to a tapas and wine bar however for which you had high hopes although the evening itself did not have a terribly auspicious beginning.

After realising that we had forgotten our evening clothes for the weekend but not wanting to be stuck wearing jeans and t-shirts, we needed to solve the problem of clothes. A sister the same size solved my issue but last minute shopping was involved with yours. Which is a pain in the backside when the bank account is practically empty. Then I nearly dropped my bundle when I thought I had lost my wallet and wouldn’t be able to pay for dinner and would have to spend the next half hour cancelling all my cards. You calmly held it together for me though and managed to find the wallet for me. Then, when we got to the Parlour Wine Bar, there were a lot of dishes on the menu that weren’t really to my taste. This was almost the icing on the cake for you and you looked as though you were about to give yourself a thorough beating for a handful of things that weren’t really a problem. Despite all this however, what followed was one of the best meals out that either of us have ever had. It was in fact awesome, filled with fine food and wine and the best damned sherry I have ever tasted. I must admit that I was a little sceptical as the glasses were being poured because sherry has always seemed like something you cook with or need an age prerequisite of 60 to imbibe in but the waitress assured us that it was Christmas pudding in a bottle and not to be missed and it totally was.

Which is kind of like you really. Dear husband, you are like all best Christmas presents all in one package and not to be missed.

Happy Anniversary!

Your Loving Wife

* Photo taken at the Meet-a-Cheetah experience we did on our anniversary.

Hey Sparky, who did you think you were talking to again?

2010-07-13T21:01:00.001-07:00

Dear Husband,

I sometimes marvel at the fact that occasionally we seem so incredibly in tune with each other. At the risk of sounding either kitsch or naf, like we are two halves of the same whole. Kindred spirits or perhaps soulmates. All it might take is my sardonically raised eyebrow and the quick quirk of your lips in response and its like we have just had a full conversation with each other because I know that you know exactly what I am thinking.

We can walk down the street side by side in companionable silence past emo kids looking suitably moody and angst laden in their excessive black and skinny jeans, past women who are wearing pants that are too low, heels that are too high and tops that are too tight or past mincing metros and prancing popinjays then turn towards each other with an “Oh my God!” and a “Totally!”. I know that we will be referring to precisely the same thing and there exists a sort of shorthand between us that requires no elaboration because we each “get it”.

There are times when our dialogue is somewhat oblique to the casual observer and we don’t bother to fill in the blanks with each other as there simply is no need. There are other times however that it seems we are speaking a completely different language. That is, apart from the times when we actually are speaking different languages of course. I will still pepper my speech ever so slightly with German because I am trying to teach you “alles klar” and “keine Ahnung” (which are very useful phrases) but sometimes I wonder if you realise that there are those times when I actually have no idea what you are talking about at all.

Like with directions. You constantly make fun of the fact that my sense of direction is rather unique given that I have my left and my other left. But sometimes, especially when I am on the phone with you, you will tell me to head East or towards a landmark when it has been clearly established that I don’t actually know where the hell I am in relation to anything. Hello….! You are talking to the girl who will still on occasion look down to her hands to figure out which thumb and index finger make an “L” shape palm down. I’m not proud, I’m just saying. So giving me boy directions doesn’t help.

You need to master the art of giving me girl directions. You know, like “remember the way you went last time you were there? Well go the other way” or “when you get to the bottom of the stairs, don’t go up the hill, walk down instead”. I seem to have quite a literal mind and have the capability to follow instructions exactly but only when I understand the frame of reference to begin with it seems. Just like the whole “can you check if the door is shut” thing.

The other night, you asked me to check if the front door was shut. I therefore walked over to where I could see the door and since I couldn’t see any shadows around the door frame, I was happy that the door was indeed shut. Before we turned in for the night however, you asked me if I had actually checked the door when you had requested. I said that I had and was starting feel a little guilty that I hadn’t been bothered at the time to actually walk up to the door to check and maybe got it wrong so I queried why you would ask later. What then ensued was a discussion about the meaning of “shut” whereby it was eventually made obvious that when you said “shut”, you didn’t actually mean “shut”. Well you did kind of, by proxy, because when you said “shut”, what you actually meant was “locked”. I was all like “dude, you didn’t ask me that!”.

I don’t have enough fingers to count the times you have told me to be more specific when I say things to you yet you looked so disappointed that I had taken you at your word and not what you hoped was the implied meaning. You then asked me if I could remember in future that when you ask me whether the door is shut, you will want to know if its locked. I figured sure, as long as you can remember that it seemed a perfectly logical question to ask whether the door was shut (and not locked) this time around so the next time you ask that particular question, it may completely not occur to me that you’d like me to reinterpret the question. I wasn’t trying to be a pain in the backside. That just comes naturally. So I just thought I’d mention it.

Pedantically yours,

Your Loving Wife